We fell in love with our adopted daughter – but didn't ask key questions about support

The adoption support fund is a lifeline for parents like us. At a time of political turmoil, it must not be overlooked

t was the question that brought serious, life-altering consequences for our family. The social worker sipping coffee in our lounge leaned forward and casually asked us whether we could consider adopting this little girl.

Adoption was not on our radar. We had three children by birth and our journey as foster carers had only just begun. Our first foster placement – the baby crawling between us – was healthy and beautiful and, as far as I understood, about to be wrenched away to be adopted. But the social worker wanted what was best for this child, who had already suffered enough early childhood trauma without an additional move to another family.

Foster carers should not be kept in the dark about the children they support

Krish Kandiah

Read more

We were so emotionally involved with this little girl we had fallen in love with that we said yes there and then. We never expected adoption to be an easy ride – we already knew that separation from birth parents at any age inevitably leads to major emotional and psychological challenges.

Nevertheless, we did not ask crucial questions about the support that would be available to us. With 63% of children in care having experienced neglect or abuse and a huge overrepresentation of children with additional needs waiting to be adopted, appropriate post-adoption support is vital. For many prospective adopters, it is one of the first questions they ask.

An Adoption UK survey in 2017 found a fifth of respondents decided not to proceed with an adoption because they were not confident that they would be well-supported.

This is worrying, given the national shortfall of people coming forward to adopt, and many children waiting far too long to find permanent loving homes. One innovative adoption agency has taken action: when you call its enquiry line to find out about adoption, the first people you speak to are not the sign-up team, but the support team. Simple shifts like this cannot solve the crisis, but they demonstrate an understanding that the adoption recruitment shortfall won’t be solved until the support challenge is addressed.

Earlier this year the national adoption register, which sought to aid family-finding for children waiting the longest, was closed. According to Coram, which ran the service for the government, the register found 275 matches in its last year of operation for children considered the hardest to place.

Now the register has gone, I fear that children are likely to wait longer to be adopted. We cannot afford to lose prospective adopters by also failing to guarantee the future of the vital adoption support fund, which is now under threat as the government has guaranteed its funding only until 2020.

We cannot afford to lose prospective adopters

The fund provides a range of therapeutic services for adoptive and some special guardianship families, from psychological services to creative therapies. It enables families to see marked improvements where there are challenging relationships, behaviours, or educational or emotional needs.

The all-party parliamentary group (APPG) on adoption and permanence sought the views of children and young people who had been supported by the fund about the impact it had on them.

One young person said the fund had helped them stop using drugs, being violent, feeling suicidal and self-harming. “I understand myself better now and I think other young people deserve the same chance,” they added. In fact, 90% of the young people who responded said the fund had helped them a lot.

But despite its importance, the fund is not a silver bullet to solve the adoption recruitment and support challenges. The APPG recognised the vital role communities can play to help adopters and their children.

Our family adopted more than a decade ago and I have since discovered that assistance comes in many different forms. Other adopters and foster carers, friends, neighbours and school staff have helped us in very meaningful ways. I have heard of support groups that bring in local experts or organise outings and confidence-building activities, and I have come across church groups that offer practical support such as ironing and cooking.

There is nothing that can replace the expert therapeutic and psychological interventions some adopted children will need but there is a role for civic society to play in standing alongside our nation’s most vulnerable children, and the families committed to their flourishing.

Get Society Weekly: our newsletter for public service professionals

Read more

Adopting a little girl certainly had life-changing consequences for our family. It has been an adventure like no other, and I would not have missed it for the world. Even the challenges have been rewarding. The adoption support fund has enabled us to access specialised psychological consultancy for her. Many of our friends who have also adopted have used the fund to access attachment therapy, in-school support and specialised counselling. A survey by Adoption UK found a quarter of respondents believed the support they accessed through the fund stopped their adoption breaking down.

In turbulent political times, it would be easy for the relatively small amount of money the fund requires to be forgotten about. But for many very vulnerable children and the parents or guardians who care for them, the adoption support fund remains a lifeline, helping to keep families together and enable children to thrive. It must be continued.

• Krish Kandiah is a foster carer and adopter and the founding director of the charity Home for Good

d