En adoptivmors rejse til Bombay

An adoptive mother's journey to Bombay

It is the impression of dignity, beauty and joy an adoptive mother will pass on to her two girls after picking up the youngest at the orphanage Asha Sadan.

By Patrizia Paggio

We had been waiting for the final conclusion of our case for almost two months and the tension had become unbearable. One evening, Jessie Rosenmeier from Terre des Hommes finally called and told me that Radha's Indian passport was now ready and that I could leave for Bombay to pick up our second adoptive daughter at the Asha Sadan orphanage.

Two days later, I kissed Carl, my husband, and Khushbu, our oldest daughter, goodbye to drive out to Kastrup, where I was to meet Jessie, whom I was going to fly to Bombay with. During the flight, I sat trying to imagine what my first encounter with Radha would be like. How would she accept me? Would I be able to make myself understandable? Our oldest daughter Khushbu had my husband and I received in Kastrup. Would I be able to cope with meeting a new child on my own? At the same time, I also felt a great deal of tenderness about seeing my two children’s India for the first time.

But there was no time for sentimentality upon arrival at Bombay Airport, where we had to assemble and stack the nine suitcases of medicine, clothing and blankets that Jessie brought to the children. It was past midnight when we came out in the oppressive heat, which enveloped one like a warm cloth. I had been warned, and I quickly convinced myself that I could easily handle it. We were going to stay with Jessica Lukmani, an Indian lady whom Jessie knows well. The ride to Cuffe Parade, the nice neighborhood where she lives, lasted an hour and a half in an old taxi. It was a great relief for me to be with Jessie, who knew exactly what to do, how much to pay and what road we were driving. I didn't have to worry and could concentrate on what I saw. And what I saw was miles of housing - if you can call it that - made of garbage bags and cardboard. I had heard a lot about poverty and beggars, and had probably been scared to see all this. But now it did not seem dangerous or disgusting, just amazingly poor. When we entered the built-up city, which is also quite large, the slum did not really end as people lay sleeping on the sidewalks everywhere, some under interim tents of plastic bags, others on newsprint. During the day, people get up: some tread on, others stay on the same curb.

The Orphanage

The next day, I woke up to my lovely bright room on the 24th floor of a tall modern building. From my window, I was able to enjoy impressive views of Bombay's tall houses, located just off the Arabian Sea. In the following days, I should be very grateful to live in Mrs. Lukmani's beautiful and clean apartment, raised above the city's noisy traffic. Even from that height, however, I could always hear a sound of Indian music in the distance.

Jessie had promised me that we would go to Asha Sadan right away: I would soon meet the little girl in the white dress that I knew from the pictures. Mrs. Lukmani's driver drove us to the orphanage, which is in a rather poor neighborhood not far from the city center.

We called and were asked to wait in the entrance. Jessie held me by the hand. I was very nervous. Finally we were allowed in. We were quickly shown around the various living rooms. Women sat on the floor with their babies, toddlers laying in their cots. I only looked at the face that I knew from the pictures. I think I was afraid not to recognize her.

No doubt

Finally, we entered Radha's living room: she was sleeping for an afternoon nap. I had no doubt that the lovely big girl in the crib was her. It was great to be allowed to look at her and caress her as she slept. The aides in the room woke her up despite my weak protests. She was easily persuaded to get up in my arms, but looked a bit reserved. Jessica Lukmani said something to her in Hindi and made her smile. I will always be grateful to her for that. Jessie took pictures. The aides kept telling Radha that her "mummy" had arrived. Then I managed to walk away from the others a bit. We sat down in a corner with a small toy car and the pictures I had brought with her and talked together. It was nice. The few twists and turns I had learned in Marathi came to my advantage. Radha seemed calm and happy. I was happy, thinking how nice it would have been if Carl and Khushbu had seen us.

I stayed in Bombay for a week and visited Radha at the orphanage every day. That way I got to know her and her daily life at Asha Sadan pretty well. I am sure this has made it easier for Radha to leave the orphanage to start a new life with us. But it was also instructive and gratifying for me to see that Radha had a calm and reasonably safe, though very limited, life at Asha Sadan.

Clean and Spartan

I cannot give a proper description of the orphanage, as I only stayed where Radha was interested in being, namely in her living room, on the roof terrace, where the children played, in the yard and in the small school where the children come to couple of hours each day.

The main impression is that the funds are small, but everything seems clean and very systematic. According to Danish conditions, Asha Sadan is probably quite spartan, but I visited an ordinary family in Bombay, where the children had even less toys - in fact nothing at all to see - and where everyone slept on the floor. From a material point of view, life is much simpler in India.

The bright spot in Radhas and probably also in the everyday lives of the other big children was school. There they were given the individual attention and challenge that they probably miss in their living room, where the aides mostly take care of the physical care, but as far as I could see not playing with the children or especially stimulating them in any other way. Of course, that's not the same as saying they don't care about them. At least there were a few of the women who I thought were very affectionate towards the children. I cannot thank them enough for the attention they have given my daughter. They have helped to make her the lovely, happy and independent person that she is. But the teacher had a special radiance, and you could see how important she was in the eyes of the little creatures. She made Radha sing a little song for me and draw a flower and a sun on the board, which I admired. How proud she was: I had tears in my eyes!

Not poor enough

The four hours I spent at Asha Sadan each day were emotional enough to fill an entire day. Partly I was very focused on Radha's reactions and keen to make good contact with her, and partly I had to deal with the fact that all the other children in her living room - who must have been about thirty - would like to be picked up and carried.

At first Radha got angry if she felt I was giving the others too much attention. The kids were very insistent. I simply didn't have enough arms for everyone. However, as Radha felt more confident about me, she also allowed me to play with the others. It was clear that she felt she was superior to them and that she wanted to show me off. To overcome my feeling of inadequacy, I kept reminding myself that the others would also have a family.

I had decided from home that I would visit Radha every day, but that I would not take her home before we left. I did not want to build a routine with her in a foreign place. Fortunately, the staff at the orphanage agreed. They let me do exactly as I wanted and were good at taking care of Radha when I went again after my visits.

In return, I took Radha on some small trips outside the orphanage. She was totally overwhelmed by everything she saw. The first time we were out, she would not walk at all despite the great new sandals that she was so proud of (it was her first pair of shoes after all!). But she looked fascinated at all the people, children and animals who walked around us. The trip was extended a little bit each day, always leading to a small bar where I bought her either a piece of chocolate or something to drink.

It was on these trips with Radha that I began to see another side of life in Bombay. The neighborhood around Asha Sadan is far from rich. I saw many sitting in the street washing old metal cans, lugging heavy loads or begging. But there were also a lot of exciting little shops, great women in their colorful saris and happy playful children. Perhaps the most amazing thing was the many colored dragons hovering over us.

During the week I was in Bombay, my first shocked impression turned to a fascination with a city where the most beautiful people and most beautiful buildings seem to grow out of the dirt.

Beauty and joy

One afternoon I was invited to Mrs. Lukmani’s chef’s family to attend a big party celebrating Lord Ganesh, the elephant god. It is a huge event attended by millions of people in Bombay alone. The many Ganesh statues that people have prayed for the previous week are being brought down to the beach to be thrown into the water. There was a very happy and festive atmosphere, and it struck me how easy it was to have fun for people living in poverty on a daily basis.

It is this impression of dignity, beauty and joy that I would like to preserve and pass on to my two girls. I look forward to being able to see India with them once again.

The flight home was tough. We traveled at night and little Radha got sick. Still, it was an exciting experience for both of us. The many hours we spent in the airplane where she lay in my arms most of the time brought us closer together.

I'm sure it meant a lot to Radha to travel the unknown with her mother. And when we now look at our India pictures, it is nice to know that we were both there.

At the airport, Khushbu and Carl waited, as Radha and I had talked so much about the previous week, and which I had missed so much. When I saw my big girl looking at her tired mother and little sister with expectant eyes, I was totally overwhelmed. It was amazing that Carl and I were able to experience such happiness again.

January 1997

Danish:

En adoptivmors rejse til Bombay

Det er indtrykket af værdighed, skønhed og glæde, en adoptivmor vil give videre til sine to piger efter selv at have hentet den yngste på børnehjemmet Asha Sadan.

Af Patrizia Paggio

Vi havde ventet på den endelige afslutning af vores sag i snart to måneder og spændingen var blevet uudholdelig. En aften ringede Jessie Rosenmeier fra Terre des Hommes endelig og fortalte mig, at Radhas indiske pas nu var klar, og at jeg som planlagt kunne tage af sted til Bombay for at hente vores anden adoptivdatter på børnehjemmet Asha Sadan.

To dage senere kyssede jeg så Carl, min mand, og Khushbu, vores ældste datter, farvel for at køre ud til Kastrup, hvor jeg skulle mødes med Jessie, som jeg skulle flyve til Bombay sammen med. Under flyveturen sad jeg og prøvede at forestille mig, hvordan mit første møde med Radha ville være. Hvordan ville hun tage imod mig? Ville jeg kunne gøre mig forståelig? Vores ældste datter Khushbu havde min mand og jeg modtaget i Kastrup. Ville jeg kunne klare mødet med et nyt barn alene? Samtidig følte jeg også en stor ømhed over at skulle se mine to børns Indien for første gang.

Men der var ikke tid til sentimentalitet ved ankomsten til Bombays lufthavn, hvor vi skulle samle og stable de ni kufferter med medicin, tøj og tæpper, som Jessie havde med til børnene. Det var over midnat, da vi kom ud i den trykkende varme, som omklamrede én som en varm klud. Jeg var blevet advaret, og jeg overbeviste hurtigt mig selv om, at jeg sagtens kunne klare det. Vi skulle bo hos Jessica Lukmani, en indisk dame, som Jessie godt kender. Turen til Cuffe Parade, det pæne kvarter hvor hun bor, varede halvanden time i en gammel taxa. Det var en stor lettelse for mig at være sammen med Jessie, som vidste præcis, hvad man skulle gøre, hvor meget man skulle betale, og hvilken vej vi kørte. Jeg behøvede ikke at være bekymret og kunne koncentrere mig om, hvad jeg så. Og det jeg så var kilometervis af boliger - hvis man kan kalde dem sådan - lavet af affaldsposer og pap. Jeg havde hørt meget om fattigdom og tiggere, og havde nok været bange for at se alt dette. Men nu virkede det ikke spor farligt eller væmmeligt, bare forbløffende fattigt. Da vi kom ind i den bebyggede by, som også er ret stor, ophørte slummen ikke rigtigt, idet folk lå og sov på fortovene overalt, nogle under interimistiske telte af plasticposer, andre på avispapir. Om dagen står folk op: nogle trasker videre, andre bliver siddende på de samme kantsten.

Børnehjemmet

Dagen efter vågnede jeg op på mit dejlige lyse værelse på 24. sal i en høj moderne bygning. Fra mit vindue kunne jeg nyde en imponerende udsigt over Bombays høje huse, der lå lige ved det Arabiske hav. I de følgende dage skulle jeg blive meget taknemmelig over at bo i Mrs. Lukmanis flotte og rene lejlighed, hævet over byens larmende trafik. Selv fra den højde kunne jeg dog altid høre en lyd af indisk musik i det fjerne.

Jessie havde lovet mig, at vi ville tage til Asha Sadan med det samme: jeg ville langt om længe møde den lille pige i den hvide kjole, som jeg kendte fra billederne. Mrs. Lukmanis chauffør kørte os ud til børnehjemmet, som ligger i et ret fattigt kvarter ikke langt fra byens centrum.

Vi ringede på og blev bedt om at vente i entréen. Jessie holdt mig i hånden. Jeg var meget nervøs. Endelig fik vi lov til at komme ind. Vi blev hurtigt vist rundt på de forskellige stuer. Kvinder sad på gulvet med deres babyer, småbørn lå i deres tremmesenge. Jeg kiggede kun efter det ansigt, som jeg kendte fra billederne. Jeg tror, jeg var bange for ikke at genkende hende.

Ingen tvivl

Endelig kom vi ind på Radhas stue: hun lå og sov eftermiddagslur. Jeg var ikke spor i tvivl om, at den dejlige store pige i tremmesengen var hende. Det var dejligt at få lov til at kigge på hende og kærtegne hende, mens hun sov. Medhjælperne på stuen vækkede hende trods mine svage protester. Hun lod sig nemt overtale til at komme op i min favn, men så lidt reserveret ud. Jessica Lukmani sagde et eller andet til hende på hindi og fik hende til at smile. Det vil jeg altid være hende taknemmelig for. Jessie tog billeder. Medhjælperne blev ved med at sige til Radha, at hendes "mummy" var kommet. Så lykkedes det mig at gå lidt væk fra de andre. Vi satte os ned i et hjørne med en lille legetøjsbil og de billeder, jeg havde haft med til hende og snakkede sammen. Det var skønt. De få vendinger, jeg havde lært på marathi, kom mig til gode. Radha virkede rolig og glad. Jeg var lykkelig, og tænkte på, hvor dejligt det ville have været, hvis Carl og Khushbu havde kunne se os.

Jeg blev i Bombay i en uge og besøgte Radha på børnehjemmet hver dag. På den måde fik jeg mulighed for at lære hende og hendes dagligdag på Asha Sadan temmelig godt at kende. Jeg er sikker på, at dette har gjort det lettere for Radha at forlade børnehjemmet for at starte et nyt liv sammen med os. Men det var også lærerigt og glædeligt for mig at se, at Radha havde et roligt og rimelig trygt, skønt meget begrænset liv på Asha Sadan.

Rent og spartansk

Jeg kan ikke give en ordentlig beskrivelse af børnehjemmet, idet jeg kun opholdt mig de steder, hvor Radha var interesseret i at være, nemlig på hendes stue, på tagterrassen, hvor børnene legede, i gården og i den lille skole, hvor børnene kommer et par timer hver dag.

Hovedindtrykket er, at midlerne er små, men alt virker rent og meget systematisk. Efter danske forhold er Asha Sadan nok ret spartansk, men jeg besøgte en almindelig familie i Bombay, hvor børnene havde endnu mindre legetøj - faktisk slet ikke noget efter hvad jeg kunne se - og hvor alle sov på gulvet. Materielt set er livet simpelt hen meget mere enkelt i Indien.

Lyspunktet i Radhas og sandsynligvis også i de andre store børns dagligdag var skolen. Der fik de den individuelle opmærksomhed og udfordring, som de nok savner på deres stue, hvor medhjælperne mest tager sig af den fysiske pasning, men så vidt jeg kunne se ikke leger med børnene eller specielt stimulerer dem på anden måde. Det er selvfølgelig ikke det samme som at sige, at de er ligeglade med dem. Der var i hvert fald et par af de kvinder, som jeg syntes var meget kærlige over for børnene. Jeg kan ikke takke dem nok for den opmærksomhed, de har givet min datter. De har bidraget til at gøre hende til det dejlige, glade og selvstændige menneske, som hun er. Men læreren havde en speciel udstråling, og man kunne se, hvor vigtig hun var i de små væseners øjne. Hun fik Radha til at synge en lille sang for mig og til at tegne en blomst og en sol på tavlen, som jeg beundrede. Hvor var hun stolt: jeg fik helt tårer i øjnene!

Ikke arme nok

De fire timer, jeg tilbragte på Asha Sadan hver dag, var følelsesmæssigt nok til at fylde en hel dag. Dels var jeg meget koncentreret om Radhas reaktioner og opsat på at skabe en god kontakt til hende, dels måtte jeg håndtere det faktum, at alle de andre børn på hendes stue - der må have været omtrent tredive - gerne ville op og bæres.

I starten blev Radha vred, hvis hun følte, at jeg gav de andre for meget opmærksomhed. Børnene var meget insisterende. Jeg havde simpelt hen ikke arme nok til alle. Efterhånden som Radha følte sig mere selvsikker i forhold til mig, tillod hun dog også, at jeg legede lidt med de andre. Det var tydeligt, at hun følte, hun var dem overlegen, og at hun gerne ville vise mig frem. For at overkomme min følelse af utilstrækkelighed mindede jeg hele tiden mig selv om, at de andre også ville få en familie.

Jeg havde besluttet mig hjemmefra for, at jeg ville besøge Radha hver dag, men at jeg ikke ville tage hende med hjem, før vi skulle rejse. Jeg havde ikke lyst til at få opbygget en rutine med hende et fremmed sted. Heldigvis var personalet på børnehjemmet indforstået med det. De lod mig gøre præcis som jeg ville, og var gode til at tage sig af Radha, når jeg gik igen efter mine besøg.

Til gengæld tog jeg Radha ud på nogle små ture uden for børnehjemmet. Hun var totalt overvældet af alt, hvad hun så. Første gang vi var ude, ville hun slet ikke gå selv på trods af de flotte nye sandaler, som hun var så stolt over (det var jo hendes første par sko!). Men hun kiggede fascineret på alle de mennesker, børn og dyr, som gik rundt omkring os. Turen blev udvidet en lille smule hver dag, og førte altid til en lille bar, hvor jeg købte hende enten et stykke chokolade eller noget at drikke.

Det var på disse ture med Radha, at jeg begyndte at kunne se en anden side af livet i Bombay. Kvarteret omkring Asha Sadan er langt fra rigt. Jeg så mange sidde på gaden og vaske gamle metaldåser, slæbe med tunge laster eller tigge. Men der var også en masse spændende små butikker, flotte kvinder i deres farverige sarier og glade legende børn. Det mest fantastiske var måske de mange kulørte drager, der svævede over os.

I den uge jeg var i Bombay, ændrede mit første chokerede indtryk sig til en fascination af en by, hvor de smukkeste mennesker og flotteste bygninger synes at vokse ud af skidtet.

Skønhed og glæde

En eftermiddag var jeg inviteret ud hos Mrs. Lukmanis koks familie for at deltage i en stor fest, hvor man fejrede Lord Ganesh, elefantguden. Det er en stor begivenhed, som millioner af mennesker alene i Bombay deltager i. De mange Ganesh-statuer, som folk har bedt bøn til den forudgående uge, bliver ført ned til stranden for at blive kastet i vandet. Der var en meget glad og festlig stemning, og det slog mig, hvor nemt det var at more sig selv for folk, som til daglig lever i fattigdom.

Det er dette indtryk af værdighed, skønhed og glæde, som jeg gerne vil bevare og give videre til mine to piger. Jeg glæder mig til en gang at kunne gense Indien sammen med dem.

Flyveturen hjem var hård. Vi rejste om natten, og lille Radha blev syg. Alligevel var det en spændende oplevelse for os begge. De mange timer, vi tilbragte i flyvemaskinen, hvor hun lå i min favn det meste af tiden, bragte os tættere på hinanden.

Jeg er sikker på, at det betød meget for Radha at rejse det ukendte imøde sammen med sin mor. Og når vi nu kigger på vores Indien-billeder, er det dejligt at vide, at vi begge to var der.

I lufthavnen ventede Khushbu og Carl, som Radha og jeg havde snakket så meget om i den foregående uge, og som jeg i den grad havde savnet. Da jeg så min store pige kigge på sin trætte mor og lillesøster med forventningsfulde øjne blev jeg totalt overvældet. Det var fantastisk, at Carl og jeg kunne opleve sådan en lykke en gang til.

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