‘Adoption within a family which has biological kids is a wonderful thing’

When Pune-based school teacher Jyothika Sawant* and her college professor husband Shirish*, both in their mid-30s, decided to adopt a daughter, their family was taken aback. This was because Jyothika and Shirish were already parents to a healthy son; also, age and health were on their side to give birth to a second child if they wanted to. But as Jyothika tells us, “I have always wanted to adopt, right from my college days, and when I met Shirish, one of the reasons why I decided to take our relationship ahead was because he shared my wish. We planned to have two children, and after our son was born, we decided to extend our family by bringing our daughter home.”

Jyothika and Shirish are among a growing tribe of parents and families, wherein couples with biological children are deciding to extend their families via adoption. They see adoption as “just another way of bringing a child in their lives”. Bengaluru-based mental health counsellor Gayatri Abraham admits, “In the last few years, many families are coming forward to adopt and hybrid families are growing. New family formations are generally on the rise, which is heartening.”

Adoption second child

‘Giving birth is not the only way of making a family’

“We always wanted to adopt as we feel, and propagate, that giving birth is not the only way of making a family,” says Gurgaon resident Shruti Haksar, who is a mother of two daughters, nine-year-old Zara and three-year-old Zoya. Shruti and her husband had adopted their younger daughter.

Couples also point out that their decision to adopt is purely driven by their desire to have a child, and not because they want to do something “noble”. Keerthana Venkatesh, a marketing professional from Bengaluru, and her husband adopted their second daughter. The mother of two girls, now aged eight and two, says, “My husband and I have always believed that being a parent is more of an emotional journey. While we did want to experience the joy of having a biological child, the decision to adopt was because we always knew there was a child out there who could complete our family. I wouldn’t take the stand of us wanting to provide for a child in need because if that was the case, we probably would have entered into charitable work of fostering many kids. This was more about bringing home our child with whom we are emotionally, and probably karmically, bonded.”

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Battling the mindset

The pressure to have a child the biological way is ever present for Indian couples, and even when a couple wants to adopt their second or subsequent child, many face opposition. Kritika*, a mother of two daughters, who had adopted the youngest, shares, “Not everyone can accept adoption even if there is a biological kid in the picture. When we were about to adopt, my in-laws flipped out. They had reservations – the usual stuff about khandan and khoon!”

But not just relatives and friends, some couples tell us how they faced bias from the adoption agencies before the process became centralised and Central Adoption Resource Authority (CARA) came into existence.

Malathi Srinivasan, a marketing leader at an MNC, is a mother of three kids – two daughters, aged 15 and 7, and a 12-year-old son. She and her husband adopted their youngest in December 2016, but the adoption journey wasn’t without its challenges. Sharing her experience, Malathi says, “We had first registered for adoption when our first child was six months old. This was in 2005-2006. The adoption process was not centralised then. But by the time we got a call saying our baby was available, I was pregnant with our second child. The adoption didn’t go through. We tried hard to convince, but the agency wouldn’t agree. The adoption agency asked us to reapply if we decided to have the third child after our second was born.”

Adoption of second child

She adds, “We restarted the adoption process once our second child, a son, was about a couple of years old. But this time around, we were denied outright, with the agency stating we are a ‘complete family, with a girl and a boy’ and that preference would be given to couples without any children. We were disheartened and were on the verge of giving up. Around that time, the entire adoption process became centralised and CARA came into being. This process was a lot more transparent and democratic. No adoption agency could play god.”

Prepping older kids for the new member

Different children react differently to the news of the arrival of a sibling. So when it comes to adoption, does the older child require a different kind of preparation? Not really, say parents, but they admit that communication is key.

Older child knowing is key

Keerthana shares, “Unlike in a situation where a child is expecting a biological sibling, the older child does not get the nine months of mental conditioning while watching the mother’s pregnancy progress to accept a sibling in the case of an adoption. So they require a lot of attention and conditioning at an emotional level by parents, even after the new child comes home, to ensure that they feel a part of the whole process of completing the family.”

Shruti says introducing the concept of adoption to the elder kids early is key. She adds, “Adoption within a family which already has biological children is a wonderful thing. You are teaching both the kids something valuable – that what is most important is love.”

Shruti Haksar quote

‘Never felt the difference’

Twenty-one-year old Nisha Lobo, who is studying in college, belongs to a family of six siblings, of whom three are adopted, including her. Sharing her experience, Nisha says, “I have never compared myself with my siblings who were biological. The ‘difference’ never occurred to me. We were nurtured differently according to our gifts, needs and age and not how we became a family. We all felt loved.”

While she personally has not felt the need for any counselling, Nisha says, “All prospective adoptive parents should be prepared for adoption. And the biological children should be informed of the new child joining the family, just as they would have been informed of a new birth sibling.”

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