Anouk (42): 'My adopted daughter does not want me'

When Anouk (42) and her partner think she cannot have children, they decide to adopt. Now her (adopted) daughter is in the middle of puberty. Every puberty is intense, but for Anouk it increasingly evokes feelings of guilt.

“I feel guilty about the adoption.”

My girly dream came true

“Nine years ago, my partner and I adopted our daughter. To be honest, at the time we thought I couldn't have children, so our choice was quickly made. We immersed ourselves in the adoption process and were soon allowed to hold our daughter in our arms. Indra was two years old when we adopted her from India. Later I unexpectedly became pregnant with twins, so suddenly my girlish dream came true. I always wanted to have a big family. Have breakfast together at a large table; I had that loving picture in my head.

That my dream came true was great, and the first years I lived on a pink cloud. Now, nine years later, things are a little less rosy than I had hoped or expected. Indra is very curious by nature. For example, she was still very small when she once heard the church bells ringing. She asked if she could go and see where the sound was coming from. I thought she was going to walk to the garden, so without hesitation said she could go. Moments later, I panicked. She had gotten the garden gate open and was already walking towards the end of the street. 'I was allowed to watch, wasn't I?' was her innocent reply.

For mom India

That curiosity soon turned to her background. She was aware that she had a different skin color than the rest of the family and asked all kinds of questions about her biological mother. I always made sure to take the time to answer as many questions as possible. Still, I didn't have an answer for everything. Then we wrote letters together. On the envelopes she wrote very large 'Voor mama India'. Then we walked hand in hand to post those letters.

Just like every child goes through puberty at a certain age, Indra is now in full puberty. Recently she has become very resistant to us and then shouts things that can hit hard. Of course I understand very well that it is part of her development, and that these things are part of it, but that does not mean that it does not affect me.

She can't wait to change her last name

For example, she yells that I'm a loser because I couldn't have children of my own at first. She also says that her biological mother is much nicer than me. She says I should never have adopted her and she can't wait until she's old enough to change her last name and go back to India.

She also blames me for everything that is not going well in her life. Now that is of course common among teenagers, but with Indra it goes just a step further. For example, she is in acting classes and recently auditioned for the first time. A blond girl with blue eyes got the part. Indra was furious, "I wish I had never been adopted," she then cried.

No matter how confident you can be as a mother; in those moments you feel very small. When I lie in bed at night I really start to have doubts and I feel selfish and guilty about the adoption.”

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