Reina adopted two daughters from India

When it turns out that Reina and her husband cannot have children, it feels like a heavy loss. But their story has taken a turn for the better: through adoption, they now enjoy their children and grandchildren.

“In the beginning, people would sometimes look surprised when they saw a dark-skinned child lying in the stroller. We lived in the countryside in Drenthe, so you didn't see that very often. Fortunately, we received many positive reactions.” 

Reina was in her early twenties when she discovered that she and her husband could not have children. She married at the age of eighteen, when her husband was 26. “I am a Baptist and my husband was of Catholic descent, but at that time he wanted nothing to do with the faith,” says Reina (67). “Even before our marriage, that was a struggle, also with his parents. As a result, we got married quite quickly. We really wanted children, especially me: at that time women did not work as much.”

Shame

But Reina does not get pregnant. “At the hospital, it became clear that my husband was infertile. He underwent surgery, and the gynecologist suggested artificial insemination, but that was not in accordance with my faith.  It was difficult to talk about it; I was ashamed of it. When my sister and friends did have children, I found that very hard. I must have said to God at times: why everyone else, and not me? But I cannot remember praying about it. I also had to process it alone, because my husband was not religious.” 

 

My husband had doubts about adoption from abroad; he preferred a Dutch child.

“It seemed terrible to me to grow old and not have children and grandchildren. At that time, many children from Korea were coming here because of the war with America. We started thinking about adoption. My husband had doubts about a child from abroad; he would have preferred a Dutch child. At the adoption agency, they said that there were hardly any Dutch children, so we had to consider going abroad after all. That is what we ultimately chose.”

“For the adoption, we had to gather many documents: a doctor’s statement, a certificate of good conduct, information from family members about what we were like as a couple, and approval from the Ministry of Justice. That took a lot of time and effort, also because it had to be in English. Two years after the first appointment at the adoption agency, seven years after we got married, our eldest daughter arrived in the Netherlands. She was five months old.” 

Crying baby

“The moment of pickup was terrible. It was a foggy day in November, and we had to be at Schiphol at 7:00 AM. We were with a large group of parents; ten children were arriving. Due to the fog, the plane couldn't land, so they flew on to Brussels. At 7:00 PM, the children arrived at Schiphol by taxi. It was nothing but crying; everyone was exhausted. Our daughter was thrust into our arms with the words: ' She's a very naughty baby ,' because she had been crying the whole time. That wasn't a very nice start.” 

“You haven’t given birth, but you suddenly come home with a child. There is no maternity nurse to show you the ropes. Our daughter demanded a lot of attention and cried a lot. That wasn’t easy. My husband was more patient with that than I was. But I was able to love her quite quickly. That is very strange: as soon as you hold the child in your arms, it feels like your child. We were so crazy about her that we wondered: would you be able to be just as happy with a second daughter? But that happens naturally.”

Emergency delivery

“Two years later, we had our second daughter. That was a very different start: we had to be at Schiphol at 12:00, and by 16:00 we were already back home. An ‘emergency delivery’! She was very small and malnourished and had a whole bag of medication with her. The doctor allowed us to stop giving her the medication; things soon got much better. Our eldest daughter was very happy with her little sister. I had told her that she wasn't allowed to cry at night anymore, because otherwise her sister would wake up. She never did it again!” 

 

We never emphasized to our daughters that they were adopted.

“Things have gone very well for our children. They were never discriminated against at school. We also never emphasized that they were adopted. We once attended a lecture by René Hoksbergen, who is known for his views on adoption. He said that Black children are special in a white society. We thought that was exaggerated: just act normal, that’s crazy enough already. Our girls didn’t consider themselves special either; they are down-to-earth.” 

Roots trip to India

“Our youngest daughter was always curious about where she came from. Our eldest wasn't: 'I live here, I am Dutch, you are my parents.' She is more down-to-earth and reserved in that regard, and we had to respect that. When my youngest daughter had just gotten married, the four of us—my husband and I, our daughter and her husband—went to India on a roots trip organized by the adoption agency. The first week is specifically for adopted children to see where they come from. The children's home was no longer there, but a similar one was. All those children on the concrete floor, I would want to take them all home with me… We met the lady who had facilitated the adoption and we were given access to the books, still written in pen. It was very special to see your child's name written there. The second week was more of a holiday during which we went to soak up the culture.”

Adopted and lesbian

“Our youngest now has three daughters and is a full-time mother. Our eldest is a nurse and has a girlfriend. I struggled with that in the beginning, regarding my faith. I sometimes thought: what did I do wrong in my parenting? But love conquers all; you never let go of your child. She was so wanted! So we resigned ourselves to it. It was a difficult situation for her as well: she was adopted and also lesbian, which sets you apart in society. She isn't much of a talker, so I don't really know how she feels about it. She got baptized but doesn't go to church anymore. I think she still believes. She is in a stable relationship, and we get along well with her girlfriend. They had two children through artificial insemination.”

God's guidance

“We are still happy and grateful every day that we were able to have the children. Otherwise, we would have been sitting here just the two of us. After all, a person wants to have something to care for, to be able to express their love. Only in hindsight do you realize that it was guided by God in this way. You don’t know beforehand that it will turn out so well. We also know people who don’t feel anything for adoption, but I would only applaud it.”

“We also see God’s guidance regarding my husband. When our sister-in-law was dying, she had said to him: ‘I hope we see each other again.’ Ten years ago, he developed a serious heart condition. The text came back to him. He then gave his heart to the Lord. He has been attending church for ten years now.”