International adoption “It was worth every effort”
“It was worth every effort”
The path to adopting Lilly from Laos pushed her German adoptive parents to their limits: They had to disclose their lives and financial situation and demonstrate a lot of patience.
By Svenja Ueing |09.01.2014
- Copy/share link
For some time it was not clear under which law – whether international or national – the child could be adopted. (Jan-Martin Altgeld)
The way to Beate Hoffmann and Ralf Henscheidt leads through the middle of the forest. The narrow road is not paved, the navigator has long since said goodbye. Until recently, the couple lived in the southern part of Cologne. But with their child, they wanted to get out of the city. Now they live in a small town south of Bonn. In their own house with a garden - and a panoramic view of the Rhine. The breakfast table is set in the spacious kitchen. A photo of Lilly hangs on the wall: dark eyes, straight dark hair and a radiant smile. Lilly will be three in the spring.
"She is a wonderfully bright child, she is stubborn, she is confident, she has a lot of fun. We do notice that she is still dealing with some demons at night because she still doesn't sleep very well. But during the day she is a wonderfully bright girl."
Lilly was born on March 11, 2011, in a hospital in Laos. Her biological mother was only 17 years old at the time and gave her daughter up for adoption immediately after her birth.
"We only have information about her and we also got a photo. But we didn't get to know her."
Love at first sight
It quickly became clear that they were ready to adopt the little girl. When Lilly was eight months old, Beate Hoffmann and her husband Ralf Henscheidt were able to hold her in their arms for the first time in Laos.
"It sounds totally cheesy, but it was love at first sight. So somehow we immediately felt a connection to this child."
Bonding, deep love, happiness - you can sense that immediately when the two parents talk about Lilly today. But the path to adopting a child has pushed them to their limits. Both have always wanted a family, their own children and adopted children. When their wish for their own children was not fulfilled, they started the adoption process in Germany.
"But we were also aware that we would have almost no chance. Because the odds, at least at the time when we were interested, were that the chance of adopting a child was about 1:13."
Nevertheless, they set everything in motion: employment contracts, police clearance certificates, medical certificates, financial situation - Ralf Henscheidt and his wife had to disclose everything. They also received several visits from the youth welfare office and attended a preparatory seminar. All of this was a matter of course for both of them.
"I can understand that very well. You want these young children, who are sometimes traumatized, to end up in good hands. And you also have to check whether the future parents are capable of doing that."
Beate Hoffmann's mother is from Thailand. She herself lived in Africa and Asia for many years. That's why the couple could easily imagine adopting a child from abroad. They chose Laos because Beate Hoffmann's father worked there for years and the couple learned during their visits that many children are abandoned after birth. The two then applied to the responsible Ministry of Justice in Laos with the necessary documents for an adoption. Half a year later, the news came from Laos.
"Now there is a need and whether we are still ready. And we said, yes, we are ready. Of course, we now have to tackle all the major paperwork that still needs to be done."
Days, weeks, months
But the adoption process drags on. For days and weeks. Then for months. For a long time it is not even clear under which law they are allowed to adopt - national or international. Beate Hoffmann and Ralf Henscheidt run from authority to authority and answer emails and letters late into the night. They want to do everything right - and lose valuable time in the process. They have encountered great reservations and fears when it comes to the topic of international adoption.
"I was very surprised, and at times shocked, at how people were sent from A to B to C to D. In our case, it was like this: D sends you back to B. Then B complains that you didn't come back to them sooner. So, in some cases, what we also observed is that in my opinion there is not a clear line, a clear regulation. In some cases, the procedures vary greatly from one city to the next. And in my opinion, there is still a lot of catching up to do to simplify things."
Because they don't want Lilly to have to go into a home during this time, a foster mother in Laos looks after the baby. In the meantime, Lilly falls ill and is taken to a clinic with rubella and blood poisoning. In the last three months before they are allowed to take Lilly in, Beate Hoffmann takes special leave to be with Lilly in Laos. Ralf Henscheidt flies back and forth between Germany and Laos because of his job.
In the end, they are allowed to adopt Lilly. They get a Laotian passport for their daughter, but are not allowed to enter Germany. They have to wait another eight months for the final papers. Then the family is finally allowed to go home.
"The bottom line is, if we had known what was waiting for us, we certainly wouldn't have done it. But now that we have Lilli here, we are so happy that we have her, so happy that we went through this whole procedure."
"It's amazing when you pick up the little one from kindergarten. She sees you and screams: Daddy, Daddy. She throws her arms open and runs into your arms. It was an incredible effort, but it was worth every effort."