Nicole (59) is adopted: 'I am grateful that she gave me up'

When Nicole Koman is a few months old, she is adopted from a home. Although she ends up with loving foster parents, her adoption always plays a role. Sometimes in the foreground, then again in the background.

Nicole wrote a book about her adoption. The discovery of my other history has been in stores since this spring.

Nicole: 'Loving youth'

“There was never any secrecy about my adoption. My parents, as I prefer to call my adoptive parents, always talked about it openly.” But Nicole didn’t really know much about her biological father and mother. “Not much was known about it and I never really felt the need to know. I had my parents, family and friends. My childhood was very loving.” Nicole was therefore never ‘bothered’ by the fact that she was adopted. “People were sometimes surprised about my adoption. Many people think that it always concerns children from abroad. But Dutch children are also adopted.”

Pregnancy

Even though the adoption never played a role, it was always present somewhere in the background. Nicole mentions her pregnancies as an example. “I couldn’t share that with my mother. It suddenly hit me very close that I was never in her belly. She couldn’t tell stories about what that was like or how it went and that created some distance.” That could make Nicole sad, but after the birth that distance was gone again. “They were the sweetest grandparents to our children. My children were really their grandchildren, that was obvious.”

Death

But that distance started to play a role again when her parents died. “I became insecure. Was I accepted because I belonged to them? Was I still part of the family I grew up in now that my parents were gone? Not that uncles or aunts ever behaved like that towards me. It was a feeling.” Nicole also noticed that she became more sensitive. “In the past, there had been people who used terms like ‘illegitimate child’ or ‘bastard’. I didn’t seem to care much about that as a child, but that changed.”

At the urging of her daughter, Nicole therefore delved into her own history. “I found that exciting and took it very slowly. I had to let every detail sink in.”

Mother

When Nicole started her search, she discovered that her mother had already died. Little was known about her father. “I already knew a few things about my mother, but what I discovered was confronting.” Nicole’s mother had become pregnant at a young age and ended up with her newborn in a home where mothers were given time to think about whether they wanted to keep their child. “After the birth, she had no interest in me and wanted to leave as soon as possible without the baby.”

Sisters

“I met her sisters and I noticed that they were very ashamed of their sister’s unwanted pregnancy and the fact that I had been given up. At first they didn’t seem to know about my existence, but later memories came back and the pieces of the puzzle fell into place.” But it remained difficult for them to talk about it, Nicole noticed.

Through her sisters, she also learned more about her mother's character. "She turned out not to be the easiest person to deal with. Their stories had all sorts of similarities with how she was described in the files." Nicole became very angry, especially when she discovered that her biological mother had no interest in her. "The fact that she was described negatively as a person also made it easier for me to be angry. Still, I am grateful that she gave me up. She couldn't take care of me anyway and my parents gave me all the love they had."

Distance mothers

Nicole also believes that her biological mother's story does not match the experiences of most birth mothers . This happened around the same time that she was adopted. In the 50s, 60s and 70s, becoming a mother without being married was often considered a sin. And that is why thousands of mothers at that time had to give up their babies for adoption immediately after birth. "The fact that I had such a nice childhood and was not neglected or ended up in a foster family later in life, I owe to the social workers."