Why do some adoptees cope well with their adoption?
When we talk about adoption, we often imagine a journey marked by deep wounds related to abandonment or the severance of the biological bond. Yet, many adoptees report a balanced, rich, and peaceful life, despite their particular history. How can we explain that some experience their adoption well, while others suffer more? This article explores the factors that promote a positive adoptive experience, drawing on scientific research and testimonies from adoptees.
1. A secure attachment upon arrival
The quality of the bond formed between the child and their adoptive parents plays a vital role. According to John Bowlby, founder of attachment theory, a secure attachment is built when the parent consistently and caringly responds to the child's needs.
Even if the child has experienced initial abandonment, establishing a stable, loving, and consistent environment often helps heal this wound. Studies by Mary Ainsworth (1978) show that children who develop a secure attachment become more resilient in the face of adversity.
Testimony :
“I was adopted at the age of 2. My parents were always there, present, patient, even when I had tantrums. Today, I realize that this consistency gave me the inner security I needed.” — Claire, 29
2. Age of adoption and continuity of care
The timing of adoption matters. The earlier it is adopted, the more emotional continuity the child can enjoy without prolonged disruption. Adoption in the first few months of life often allows for smoother integration, as the child has fewer explicit memories of the initial trauma.
However, later adoptions can also be very successful if the child is welcomed into a reassuring and well-supported environment. What matters is less age than the ability of adults to meet specific emotional needs.
3. Open communication about origins
Research by Grotevant and McRoy (1998) showed that adoptees who experience their adoption well are often those who grew up in a family where the adoptive story was discussed openly .
The secrecy or taboo surrounding adoption can fuel shame and doubt. Conversely, open discussion, appropriate to the child's age, allows them to integrate their story without being subjected to it.
Testimony :
“My parents never hid my adoption. We just talked about it, as if it were obvious. I grew up without feeling different, but knowing where I came from. That helped me a lot.” — Nicolas, 35
4. An assumed and valued adoptive identity
Coping well with adoption doesn't mean denying the initial pain, but rather integrating this part of yourself into your identity. Adoptees who find balance are often those who successfully articulate their different affiliations: biological family, adoptive family, and personal identity.
According to Erik Erikson (1968), developing a healthy identity during adolescence involves the ability to make sense of one's history. Adoptees supported in this process are more likely to transform their adoption into a blessing rather than a wound.
5. The role of family and social resources
Adoptive resilience is also built through the environment:
- a caring family network,
- a supportive circle of friends,
- the opportunity to meet other adoptees or share their experiences.
Studies (Palacios & Brodzinsky, 2010) highlight that adoptive families who know how to ask for help (psychologists, associations, support groups) promote better adaptation of the child.
Testimony :
“My parents didn’t hesitate to consult a specialist psychologist when I had difficult questions. It showed me that you could seek support without shame.” — Amandine, 27
6. The importance of parental perspective
Finally, a key element lies in how adoptive parents view their child. Adoptees who feel fully recognized as sons or daughters, unconditionally and without comparison to their biological children, report a strong sense of belonging.
Conversely, situations where the child perceives an implicit expectation (“you should be grateful,” “we saved you”) can undermine their self-esteem.
Conclusion
Some adoptees experience their adoption well because they likely met parents who were able to provide a secure attachment, open communication, and a stable environment. Because they were able to integrate their history into their identity, without secrets or taboos. And because they found emotional and social resources around them that helped them develop.
Living well with adoption does not erase the initial wound, but proves that with a caring environment and sincere recognition, it is possible to transform this particular story into a source of strength and resilience.
Sources:
Bowlby, J. (1969/1982). Attachment and Loss. Flight. 1: Attachment . Basic Books.
Ainsworth, M.D.S., Blehar, M.C., Waters, E., & Wall, S. (1978). Patterns of Attachment: A Psychological Study of the Strange Situation . Hillsdale, NJ: Erlbaum.
Erikson, E. H. (1968). Identity: Youth and Crisis . New York: Norton.
Grotevant, H.D., & McRoy, R.G. (1998). Openness in Adoption: Exploring Family Connections . Thousand Oaks, CA: Sage.
Palacios, J., & Brodzinsky, D.M. (2010). “Adoption research: Trends, topics, outcomes.” International Journal of Behavioral Development , 34(3), 270–284.
AuthorJocelynPublished onCategoriesAdopted , Unclassified , Parents & Relatives
4 thoughts on “Why do some adoptees cope well with their adoption?”
I can only agree with you.
Abandonments and adoptions have stories.
If handled well, they allow for balance in a life, past, present, and future.
If problems from a heavy past, or even a calculated adoption, it can complicate a life.
If only one's own family life, husband, and children, can bring balance, it can redeem, but nothing is forgotten.
Obviously, we must consider each person's individuality and history. This article only paints a general picture. I agree with you.
I don't know what the term "living well with adoption" covers. You can live your adoption well and your abandonment (or separation from your biological family, or whatever word you put on this separation) less well.
Living well is rather living your life in harmony with the particularity of your history and adoption is only one of the parameters.
I remain very cautious about the assertion that the younger the child is adopted the better it goes.
Every story is unique and we cannot generalize, but my experience of almost 40 years in adoption allows me to believe that often, when the child is old enough to understand his history, when he knows what he is leaving and what he finds in his family, things can go well. The age of arrival of children in their families does not protect them in any way, in adolescence or adulthood, from questioning their origins, which can go more or less well.
This does not take away from the fact that despite possible temporary difficulties, adoption is an encounter and a life journey that is one of shared happiness, as in all families.
Sincerely