Binita from "People Make the City"

I don't expect answers to all my questions, but they do keep me busy.

Binita Pinoy (28) traveled from Nepal to Belgium with her Flemish adoptive parents when she was four. She grew up in a suburb of Leuven, but moved to Mechelen with her boyfriend two years ago. "I feel more and more like a Mechelen resident," she says.   

I was born in Nepal but was adopted by a Flemish couple when I was four. I don't have many memories of that period, neither of my first years in Nepal nor of my arrival in Belgium. I was able to reconstruct some of it using photos and videos my adoptive parents took. It's funny: in those videos, you see me speaking Nepali, even though I don't speak a word of Nepali anymore.

It's always been clear to me that I was adopted. There was no secret about it. That was difficult, since I have a different skin color. Only later in life did I delve deeper into my own identity and the topic of adoption, and did I even address the emotional side of it. There was a period when I identified solely as Belgian and wanted to be recognized as such. I wanted little or nothing to do with Nepal. But the reverse also happened, where I valued everything non-Belgian more. Later, I came to embrace both backgrounds more. Today, I still feel more Belgian in some situations and more non-Belgian in others. 

My parents and I always stayed in touch through letters, using an intermediary in Nepal. Little is known about my biological mother, but through that intermediary, I kept in touch with my biological father and sister. That way, we stayed informed about each other's lives. It was my sister who first asked if I wanted to come visit.

Back to the roots

My adoptive parents left the choice of whether I wanted to travel back to Nepal entirely up to me. At fourteen, I indicated I was ready. We were about to book our plane tickets when I suddenly backed out. I don't know why. It didn't feel right anymore. A year later, when I was fifteen, we finally made the trip. My parents had arranged the whole trip: where we stayed, who we met... I basically just experienced it all. Strangely enough, my memories of this trip are rather vague. I think I experienced it all in a bit of a haze.

The trip was profound, in any case. I knew I had a biological father and sister in Nepal, but suddenly my father had remarried, I had a half-brother, and a whole bunch of aunts, uncles, and cousins ​​came to visit. They told stories about the past, but I, of course, had no idea what they were talking about. My English was still limited at that age, of course. I couldn't communicate with my father, but only a little with my sister.

I had a mental image of what they were like in Nepal. My adoption papers say I was given up because of poverty, which is no longer allowed, by the way. But when I got there, their situation seemed okay. That was confronting."

Looking for answers

It took me about ten years to let it all sink in. Precisely because I didn't experience that first trip so consciously, I wanted to go back again last year. This time with my boyfriend. We stayed with my Nepalese family for a week. That wasn't a good decision. (laughs) We were very warmly welcomed, you know. But I wasn't prepared for how emotionally difficult it would be. Maybe I had too high expectations?

For example, communication was really difficult. I was surprised that they didn't really understand the concept of "adoption." Here, it's clear to everyone. And since they'd put me up for adoption, I assumed they knew what that entailed. Apparently, they thought I'd only stay in Belgium temporarily and return to Nepal. They found it strange that I didn't speak Nepalese and even wanted to apply for Nepalese citizenship for me.

I'd hoped for a connection or bond to form. But that didn't happen. My adoption or past were barely discussed. There was no room for emotions. I had many questions, but few answers. My father even tried to convince me that his new wife was my biological mother, even though I knew full well that wasn't the case. So I'm still left with many questions: who is my mom? What does she look like? Where is she now? What if I hadn't been adopted and had stayed in Nepal? I don't expect answers to all the questions, but they do bother me.

Afterward, my boyfriend and I spent three more weeks trekking in Nepal. We truly enjoyed the country, the culture, and the scenery. The trek we did to Annapurna Base Camp is one of the fondest memories of my life. I truly unwind in nature. In Mechelen, too, I regularly seek out green spaces. For example, I often go for a walk in Vrijbroek Park.

A new chapter in Mechelen

Two years ago, my boyfriend and I moved from Leuven to Mechelen. I felt it was time for something new. I grew up in a suburb of Leuven, in a very white neighborhood. I had one Moroccan girlfriend. We were the only people of a different skin color in our neighborhood and at school.

I rarely, if ever, consciously experienced blatant racism or discrimination, but it was made clear to me that I was "different" from others. The other children often asked me why I looked different and whether I could wash off that tan. Even as an adult, I constantly had to explain that I was adopted. After a while, I felt the need to move to a larger and more multicultural environment. I wanted to discover new places and meet new people. I first went to work in Brussels and then moved to Mechelen. Although I didn't know the city well, Mechelen immediately appealed to me. It felt familiar. I immediately started exploring all the restaurants, cafés, and hidden spots. I feel more and more like a Mechelen resident every day.

Towards greater understanding and openness

My background has definitely influenced various aspects of my life. I studied social work and later socio-cultural pedagogy. I work as an integration consultant for the Agency for Integration and Civic Integration. This means I support local governments, organizations, and schools in developing their diversity policies. This way, we make society more welcoming to newcomers.

People often still think in boxes. We know so little about each other. If we met more often, there would be more understanding. I'm glad the "People Make the City" project is striving for this. That's why I want to talk more about my adoption story. For many people, migration and adoption are very different, while I see many similarities. Migration often has a negative connotation. Adoption is often seen as an exclusively positive story. But that's not always the case.

In my free time, I enjoy being creative. I sew and do crafts. I also volunteer for the Adoption Support Center. They have a-Buddies, an independent organization supported by the Center. As an a-buddy, I talk and chat with other adoptees. Each story is different, yet much of it feels familiar. We understand each other without many words. If I can make even one person feel like they're not alone in their story, my mission will have been accomplished. If I ever have children of my own, I definitely want to tell them my adoption story. I hope to share aspects of Nepalese culture with them: the country, the language, the cuisine... Those aspects are already present in my relationship with my boyfriend. We're getting married next year, and momos will definitely be on the menu. They're my favorite Nepalese dish. Incidentally, we're working on a book with the Adoption Support Center. In it, we'll compile the stories of various adoptees, as well as their favorite recipes. So my momos will definitely be included.

photo: Lavinia Wouters

This story appeared in the magazine "De Mensen Maken de Stad" (People Make the City) in Mechelen. This photo can be seen at the reception desk in Vrijbroekpark. The full brochure, with all the photos and stories, can be downloaded via this link.