Blog - 3 children with mother

Looking Up - Part Two

2trust verb \?tr?st\

: to believe that someone or something is reliable, good, honest, effective, etc. : to have confidence in (someone or something)

: to believe that something is true or correct

: to hope or expect that something is true or will happen

We felt, after a month of waiting, something needed to be done to learn all we could about the children's situation. We felt that there were 4 children living as orphans in an orphanage, while their mother was waiting for them to be released back to her care. A heartbreaking situation in which something needed to be done. The visit to the orphanage took place. More answers, more confusion…

They arrived and eventually were allowed inside the orphanage. I am told, what they saw were police in lieu of security, a number of kids walking around in shirts with no diapers or pants, a child sleeping in the middle of a dirty floor, the mamas all sitting on the floor and the police had children in their laps. They inquired about our children and were surprised when the children were brought in along with their biological mother. They were told that the majority of the mamas working at the orphanage are actually children's biological mothers. They work there and do so in order to be there with their children while the children wait to be adopted. Unsettling information… How is it that children are being deemed abandoned while their biological mothers care for them while they wait in the orphanage as orphans? Confusion…

They were able to speak with the children's biological mother. The children were taken out, but the baby had to be brought back in, she was too upset when she was taken out of her mother’s arms. There was an obvious bond between the mother and her children. When they questioned her about being there she stated she was there so she could be with her children. She stated she still wanted them to be adopted, but she also stated that if she could care for them financially she would not want them to be adopted. She stated that she was very upset that her son had not received needed post operative follow up care. She stated that she was told that he had not been taken to the doctor because his adoptive parents refused to pay for the appointment. This was heartbreaking to hear. We had not been notified by the agency that any action was needed on our part in order for him to receive the needed care. We knew he had a scheduled post operative appointment, when he was discharged, and we had trusted that once back in the care of the orphanage staff, they would make the needed arrangements for him to attend this appointment. We also knew that we had previously made a payment to our agency to cover medical expenses that had not been used, we had trusted this would be made available for his care when needed. We had trusted…

I've learned a lot about trust this year. All we could do was trust what we were told by our agency. We were aware, when we began an international adoption that it might be challenging to find out information about our children and we were prepared, not to know. But, when a mother can be contacted when her son is in the hospital, why couldn’t she be contacted to obtain information as we questioned? Each time we learned new information, pertaining to the adoption of our children, we were left to trust. To trust the information they gave us to be truth. To trust that there was no way of finding answers. While we may have had no concrete evidence, we chose to trust their word. As we obtained paperwork that didn't correlate with information we had been given, we began to question, our trust wavering. In October, when my friend's sister met with our children's birthmother, all I could do was trust the information she gave me to be truth and compare it to the information we had been given by our agency. There I was again, at a place where I must trust that another persons words are truth. I must trust. I trust her when she tells me, this mother asks that I ask our agency if she can have a job working for the orphanage, as many other mothers, so she can be with her children. I trust her when she tells me, this mother loves and cares for her children, and she initially had no intentions of giving up her children permanently for international adoption. I trust when she tells me, this mother allowed her children to go to the orphanage out of love for them and a chance for a better future, when she believed they were coming to America to receive an education and would return to her. I trust when she tells me, if she were financially able, she desires to parent her children. All I have are the words I have been told by this Congolese lady, who went above and beyond to help me, an adoptive parent in America, and a fellow Congolese lady and her children. I have the words of this friend and the words spoken to me so clearly by the mother of my adopted children. As I spoke with our children’s mother, through an interpreter, I told her that if we adopt her children she would possibly never see them again, their names would be changed to our family name and she would no longer be their mother, is that what she wanted and she said, "No, No." Her words echo in my mind, “Thank you for telling me the truth, thank you. You are a Godsend." ...

In response to my sharing my initial blog post about our unexpected findings, I was contacted by the director of our agency and their attorney. I was asked to take down my blog post and to refrain from sharing any information about their agency that could be perceived as negative and untruthful. I did not take down the post, feeling that is it our story to share. The purpose of my blog all along has been to share all aspects of our adoption journey, the good and the bad, the facts as we’ve been told and my feelings and perceptions. I have no intentions of misconstruing information in order to make the agency look bad. I am stating our story from our perspective. The information that I share about our situation and that of our adopted children, is what I trust to be true. While there may not be concrete evidence supporting what I believe, I choose to trust. Again, trusting my source. We began this journey, trusting. Trusting our agency and the information they gave to us. As conflicting information arose we were left questioning what we had trusted. It left us with no other option than to trust again. We again chose to trust someone whom we had never met. I have no reason to believe that words which I was told by my friend in Kinshasa or the words spoken to me by my children's birthmother are not true. Therefore, we continue to trust. We will hold firm in our belief that children belong first with their biological family, whenever possible. We will trust that God will help us make this a reality for this mother and her children, whom we’ve grown to love.

As I reflect on the last year, and look forward in anticipation of the year to come, I realize that both are filled with uncertainty. Therefore, trusting, I choose to look up, to the One who sees from the beginning to the end. If I look back I see confusion and heartache, if I look forward I know the future is so uncertain...it's only in looking up that I can see assurance. Not assurance that I will understand the events of the past year or assurance that I will see what I expect in the next year, but assurance that whatever comes my way, I am not alone. Assurance that He is in control. Assurance that it is in the pain and confusion, He is glorified. We will continue to trust...

Posted by Cara at 12:00 PM 7 comments:

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Saturday, January 18, 2014

Looking Up - Part One

2trust verb \?tr?st\

: to believe that someone or something is reliable, good, honest, effective, etc. : to have confidence in (someone or something)

: to believe that something is true or correct

: to hope or expect that something is true or will happen

A blog post titled “Reflection" could be expected for the first post of the new year. But I'm not there yet, I'm not at the place where I look back to reflect. I'm still assessing the situation. I'm still right here in the middle of it. It's not yet time to reflect. When I reflect on the last year, I see confusion and heartache, if I look forward I see uncertainty. I am learning to realize that it is in Him, I must Trust. I'm reminded of one of my favorite Bible verses, Romans 5:3-5, "We also have joy with our troubles, because we know that these troubles produce patience. And patience produces character, and character produces hope. And this hope will never disappoint us, because God has poured out His love to fill our hearts." So I feel like we are here, learning patience, developing character, clinging to hope and learning what it really means to trust.

In looking back I see confusion...It was almost a year ago that we saw the first glimpse of a little boy, who would change the way I look at the world. It was the first step in trust. There were so many unknowns. We deliberated and scrutinized looking at his picture, asking for any shred of information to help us have a better picture of who he was. We were told very little, assured that if any more information was gained, we would be told...

A month later, we were told that a little more information had been found out about our little boy. He was the oldest of four siblings at the orphanage. It was believed they had been brought in together and were living together prior to arriving at the orphanage. On our son’s intake form it stated he is loved by his brother and sister and that he was found without biological family (Mother). The information stated on this form was given by his biological mother. We were confused by this mix of information, but we trusted...We were told their mother's name is on the form because she was the one who brought them in and abandoned them. They assumed she just could not provide for them. We were told that the children had been referred to 3 different families, the staff didn't know they were siblings when they were first brought in. The middle 2 were twins and would be staying together and the youngest baby was referred to another family. Although they were being adopted by different families, we were told this was good information to have, so we could possibly keep in touch once they were all over here. This didn't sit right with us. We had been clear with the agency staff from the beginning that we would consider adopting siblings, if our child had known siblings. We asked if the other families had been informed of this and we were told if they hadn't been told, they would be informed soon. We wanted to know what the siblings referred families were feeling. We continued to question...

Could the twins go to one family and the baby & oldest be kept together, to at least keep the children in pairs? The response was no, the baby was possibly a cousin, and was already referred to another family. Confused, we trusted this to be truth. We prayed. We offered to let the family of the twins have the referral of our son, if they would consider, in order for him to stay with the brother and sister that love him. We had already fallen in love with our little boy but we didn't feel that we could ask them to give up the referral of their children. We would offer to do what we felt was right. At almost midnight that night, I got an email from the director of our agency, that there actually was no "other family" and if we wanted to consider adopting the twins we could do so...we were confused, but hopeful.

We prayed, we shared our story and we watched God bring the needed funds to be able to accept the referral of the twins. We had to pay fees as if the twins were not related to the oldest because we were told that although they shared the same biological mother, they had different biological fathers, therefore they would not be categorized as siblings, as far as fees. We were confused, we were not told they were half siblings until the question of fees came up, therefore we had a hard time understanding this new information. Why they had been presented to us as such, but could not be processed as siblings, requiring our agency fees to be higher. We were told this was because they would be processed separately. As they all passed through court at the same time it was hard to understand why they had to be processed separately. We continued to ask that our information be shared with the family of our children's baby cousin, so if they chose to contact us, they would be able. We were told this could not be done. We know nothing about the family of our children's baby sister other than their last name and that they are Canadian. We originally wanted to be in contact with them to keep our kids in contact over the years, we now pray to make contact to help them maintain their sibling relationship.

In July, when we reviewed our court paperwork, we noted that the abandonment document for our oldest son stated an address at which he had been found, and the twins document stated they had been abandoned, as opposed to being brought in by their mother. We were again confused…but we trusted.

As the summer drew to a close we awaited final documents to be able to file the I600. In order to have everything lined up and ready to file as soon as possible, I contacted USCIS to determine how we should file for the children. We knew that a new procedure was in place to file separately for each child, regardless of sibling status, but our understanding was that only one fee needed to be paid to process all of their I600's. We received a notice from our agency that we needed to pay separate fees for each of the children's I600's, keeping with the standing that they were not being processed as siblings. In an attempt to avoid paying an additional unnecessary $1400 to USCIS, I began a series of emails with someone from USCIS. They informed me that if the children were known siblings (regardless of paternity) only one fee was necessary. If there was any question of true sibling status, separate fees would be needed. If we attempted to process them as siblings and through their investigation it was determined they were not actually siblings, our case would incur delays. I questioned the agency, asking why they recommended filing separately. Did they question their sibling status? They had been presented to us as siblings and we had never been told otherwise. When we questioned this, we received the explanation that we would not be able to prove they were siblings since the children are abandoned. We were told that once a child is declared abandoned, the child is made a ward of the state and the parents names are no longer on the paperwork. Because of this, there is not enough evidence to satisfy USCIS of the biological relationship. We were confused. The intake form states the mother provided the information, so why were they declared abandoned and the mother's name removed from the paperwork? Wasn't her word, which was given on the intake form, enough? We were told the intake form is not an official document and cannot be used as evidence to support form I600. Often in abandonment cases there is not a document such as a parental authorization or an original birth certificate that could be used as evidence. Again confusion…we had not yet resolved how we would file the I600's when our son was hospitalized, leading to what we believed to be answers. Answers that we felt brought light to many things that had not made sense to us over the last year...

But did the information that we learned, as I recorded in my last blog post really bring answers, or just more confusion? For the first time since we learned about the children we felt like we had real answers as to who they really were, where they had come from and where they truly belonged. Two paths intersected, worlds meshed and we felt answers were found. We had a outpouring of support. Countless people began praying, not for us to be able to quickly bring our children home, but for us to be able to get our children home. We shared the discovered information with our agency and we were told that they would do their own investigation to determine what was in the best interest of the children. If it was determined the best situation would be to be for them to be placed with their biological family, they would help facilitate this. We were hopeful. We knew our friend’s sister had spent many hours, over several weeks, with the children's birthmother. Not only at the hospital at our sons bedside and in the waiting room while he was in surgery, but also at a restaurant where they went to lunch together. They had had the opportunity to have multiple, private and in-depth conversations in their native language, and we felt sure of the children's birthmother's desire to parent her children. We eagerly awaited the agency to complete their investigation so we could work together to help the children, whom we had considered to be our own for the past year. A month passed and we heard nothing from the agency, except for a request to take down my previous blog post. While we waited, we came in contact with some people who stated they were willing to help us find more answers. Through a sequence of events, they were able to visit the orphanage on our behalf. What they discovered brought more answers and more confusion...

(to be continued…)

Posted by Cara at 12:02 AM 1 comment:

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Thursday, November 14, 2013

A Mother's Prayer

Her arms empty, she has prayed a prayer, God did you hear me? Did I hear you right Lord? My children are gone…and in her heart she hears "Trust Me"…

Another mother prays, her arms empty…the words she has heard have hit her heart, leaving her frozen. God did you hear me? Did I hear you right Lord? You told me, in the quietness that night…"Why not adopt"…so why are my children gone…and in her heart she hears "Trust Me"…

Two mothers, 3 children and 1 Almighty God…and in the bareness of a hospital room in Kinshasa, DRC, these mothers are given a glimpse of His plan... Divine Intervention…

Last summer my parents attended some church meetings in rural Kentucky…We are from Nashville. As the meeting ended they joined the crowd for a potluck lunch. As they looked around the crowded room they spotted a table with barely enough room to sit but felt compelled to join this table. As they ate they began conversing with a man across the table. He stated that he was in the same profession as I am. They asked about his practice and where he had gone to school. As the conversation went on they learned that he and I had been classmates in graduate school and had known each other quite well, but each going our separate ways after graduating. He began asking them about me and my family. They proceeded to tell him that we were in the process of adopting from DR Congo and that the orphanage we were hoping to adopt from is in Kinshasa…at that moment his wife spoke…"that's where I'm from, my family is there"…Divine Intervention...

As our story has unfolded they have become a significant source of information and support for our family. As we receive each new document, she translates it for me, helping us make sense of the chaos that is, International Adoption...

On October 14th I received an email from our caseworker at OWAS. It stated that our oldest son had been taken to the hospital with a broken leg. Along with the message that our son was hospitalized we also were told that this is outside of the normal medical expenses and that we would be required to cover this expense. I immediately told them to treat him as needed and we would pay later. I learned at what hospital he was being care for and received a phone number for this doctor. I immediately contacted my Congolese friend who told me she had a sister in Kinshasa, who is a nurse...relief swept over me. I all of a sudden didn't feel quite so far away from my son or quite as helpless. She assured me that her sister would travel to the hospital to visit our son. In the meantime she called the phone number for me, seeing as I would find it impossible to converse in French and Lingala with the physician. This was perfect, because she also is a nurse. She immediately called me after speaking with the surgeon and informed me that he stated he was there with our son. He needed surgery, but he was waiting to operate until payment had been made…at that moment I felt let down and angry with our agency. I thought they were there representing us and I find out from a friend here in the US that a surgeon is at my sons bedside awaiting payment in order to treat him??? I then immediately contacted my caseworker who told me to make an online payment to the agency and they would be able to send funds that day. Of course, without hesitation I rushed to my computer and promptly made the payment. After the payment had been received, I then was contacted by the caseworker, notifying me that the payment would have to be sent to the director at the orphanage, a 45 minute drive out of the city and an orphanage worker would take it the next day. I knew the urgency of the need for surgery and asked for the money to be wired directly to the hospital and was told this was not an option. She then told me if I wanted to make arrangements to make payment directly I could do this and they could refund the money, to which I said I would do and asked for a refund (a refund we are yet to see, but that's for a later story). When I relayed this information to my friend she then said that we could wire the money directly to her sister, who would go pay in person for us…Divine Intervention…

Upon arriving to our son's bedside, our friend's sister, learned so much more than the answers to our questions about our son medical condition. She was able to answer for us the many many questions that we had asked OWAS over the last year, in which we had never received answers. In finding our children's birthmother, sitting at his bedside in that hospital room, she learned who our son really was. She shared that he was not the oldest of 3 siblings but the 3rd child out of 6 siblings. She learned that there is a baby, is his youngest sibling, also at the orphanage, referred to a different family. She learned that our son is 7 years old and the twins are 5 and that birthdays are indeed, kept track of in DRC. She learned that the children's father, who is the father of all 6 children, is living. She learned that their mother was approached by a staff member of the orphanage, when their father who is in the military was stationed away from home. At the time that their mother was approached by the orphanage staff member, she was pregnant with the youngest. He told her that he was going to take her 3 youngest children to a home where they would be well fed and cared for. She was told that Americans don't want older children so the oldest 2 were left behind. She was told that Americans would come and take the children to the United States where they would receive an American education. She would receive frequent updates about the children. She was told that after the children were a little older and educated they would be coming back home to her, where they would build her a nice home and support her. When the baby was 1 month old, the same person came and took her, stating Americans love babies, she will go to America soon. And she learned that this mother, loves her children and she cries for them every night. And as conversations ensued between my friend's sister and our children's birthmother, their mother learned that what she had been told was only half truth and that her children had actually been taken to an orphanage to be adopted internationally, never to return again. She had never heard the word adoption. While there may not be a Congolese word for adoption, there are ways to describe the permanence of adoption. When one Congolese person speaks to another, there are ways to ensure that there is nothing lost in translation. There is a mother in DRC who longs for her children. There is a mother who has been lied to and coerced who never agreed to give her children up for adoption. There is a mother whom, when told that her child is hospitalized, she stays around the clock at his bedside. This mother is the rightful mother of our children. This is a mother, who deserves the chance to love and raise her children. While this mother will never get those first months back to bond with her baby or have the last year back that she lost with her children, she deserves the chance to learn who her baby is growing up to be and to restore her relationship with her older children. While we have fallen in love with these children, our children, we are not their rightful parents. We set out to adopt a child without a family, an orphan. We realize that we have no other choice than to forfeit the adoption of our children, therefore restoring their family. These children are not true orphans, they are not adoptable. They do not belong in an orphanage, they belong at home, with their birth family.

Two mothers, one prayer…Lord you know what is best for my family, please lead…Trusting, each of us pursed what felt right, we followed our hearts and God's leading to make the best decisions for our families. The decisions that we have made have led each of us to this exact moment, where our lives intersect and families can be restored… Divine Intervention…

Looking back if there hadn't been the familiar T-shirt we wouldn't have accepted the oldest son's referral. If when we learned about the twins, we hadn't already felt a bond with the oldest, we might not have considered adopting them as well. If we hadn't received the donations, we would not have been able to pay the referral fee enabling us to keep the siblings together. If my parents had never crossed paths with our friends from Africa, we could have never known the truth…this could have so easily been a situation of a mother lied to in which she gives up her children, all 4 children are referred to different adoptive families, never knowing who they really are. A mother left wondering when her children will return, never to hold her babies again…heartbreak…evil…loss…

Our children's birthmother told my friend's sister, there in that hospital room," I prayed". I prayed for my children for their future, for our family. She was, out of love, sacrificing to give her children a better future, with the promise of knowing they would be home again, in her arms. She felt such desperation and then when the children were gone, she was so empty. Her arms were empty. She prayed, God did you hear me? I prayed for you to lead, but now my arms are empty. But, she never stopped praying. And as she prayed... we prayed. God, we want to change the life of a child, lead us. We set out to bring one child home…God has given us the opportunity to help 4 children home. While my heartbreaks for what will not be for our family, I am overcome with love and compassion for this mother who has found her children…Divine Intervention...

Posted by Cara at 9:47 AM 13 comments:

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Saturday, October 5, 2013

Hopefully Optimistic

A week after receiving news the that made our hearts ache and our knees weak, we are hopeful. One week ago we had no idea what the announcement of the DGM suspension might mean for us and our children. It is still too soon to really speculate what kind of delay we may be facing, but we continue to trust God to lead and orchestrate the timing of our children's homecoming. We have since learned, that at this time, the US Embassy in Kinshasa will continue to issue I600's (our next step) and conduct orphan investigations. The Congolese government will also continue to process adoption cases. We were previously unaware if any forward motion would be taking place during this suspension. We are so thankful that even though there is a suspension in issuing Exit Letters, some things will continue to take place. The Exit Letter is the very last document issued, once in country, to be able to leave the country with our children. So, we are praying that our case will continue to process as planned and that the suspension will be lifted soon, very soon, minimizing the degree of backlog in issuing Exit Letters to waiting families. Our hearts are aching for families who were so close to being able to travel to meet their children. Currently our agency is not permitting families to travel, leaving these families, after such a long adoption journey so close, but yet so far away. Please continue to pray that the DGM suspension will be lifted quickly, so these families can travel soon to bring their babies home and that all of the sweet children waiting in the orphanage will be able to be united with their waiting families, SOON... As much as we long to hold our children, this is not about us. This is about our children and this is about freeing each of our children from, life as an orphan. Please continue to lift them up in your prayers. We have been reminded again that Satan, loves orphans. We know he will take any opportunity to discourage us and to make them wait to come home. My dad shared this very fitting Bible verse with me this week,

Lastly, be strong in the Lord, and in the strength of his power. Take up God's instruments of war, so that you may be able to keep your position against all the deceits of the Evil One. For our fight is not against flesh and blood, but against authorities and powers, against the world-rulers of this dark night, against the spirits of evil in the heavens. --Ephesians 6:10-12

We will continue to remain hopeful, as we fight to bring them home!

Some of my favorite pictures from this last week... We are so blessed...

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