Netra wants to divorce her adoptive parents: 'Many people think I'm mega ungrateful'

- They have never been my parents, says 27-year-old Netra Sommer.

"How lucky are you that you were adopted to Denmark."

It is a phrase that many adoptees hear throughout their lives, especially if they come from poor countries.

Netra Sommer does that.

She was born in Mumbai and spent the first part of her life in an orphanage in a poor Indian area until she was adopted to Denmark.

But she does not feel lucky. On the contrary.

- It went wrong from the start between me and my adoptive parents. I have had a turbulent childhood with violence and no understanding in my adoptive family. It has never been good, says 27-year-old Netra Sommer.

Therefore, she is now fighting in her ninth year to have the adoption revoked so that she can be divorced from her adoptive parents. Those who, according to Danish law, are her mother and father on an equal footing, as if they were her biological. But she can not do that without their consent , and her parents will not give it to her.

- You can decide that you want to change gender, but not who you have been adopted by. They are not my parents, and they never have been.

I was often told that I could pack my things and go back to where I came from if I did not do the right thing. But where the hell should I go?

NETRA SOMMER

Netra became Sarah

It otherwise sounded like a sunbeam story when Netra Sommer was adopted from an orphanage in Mumbai to Funen. She was two and a half years old and, according to her adoption papers, could understand four different Indian dialects.

- For me, it has had great consequences to be adopted, but no matter if you have had a good or bad adoption, you will always think about who your mother and father are. It's a huge part of one's identity.

She was adopted by her mother and father, who desperately wanted a child. The solution to their wish was Netra - or Sarah, as they chose to call her.

But what should have been so good never came to work for Netra Sommer, who does not want to use her Danish name, Sarah.

HOW MANY ARE ADOPTED?

From the 1970s to 2010, 400-700 foreign children were adopted to Denmark every year.

Since then, the number has dropped, and in 2017, 79 children were adopted from abroad.

The number of Danes who are refused adoption has increased. From 1997 to 2014, 14 percent received rejections on average. In 2017, 45 percent of applicants were rejected.

Sources: Faktalink, Ritzau, Statistics Denmark

- I have always felt that I was just placed somewhere so that someone could have their wish fulfilled. There is no doubt that they would like me because they have paid a lot of money to get me. But that's not how they treated me.

Took a lot of pills

She describes her upbringing as marked by violence. Her father was not pale in using harsh methods in upbringing, such as sticking her a flat or giving her a slap.

But the worst thing was almost the parents' comments when they thought she had behaved badly.

- I was often told that I could pack my things and go back to where I came from if I did not do the right thing. But where the hell should I go? What were they thinking? It really did matter to me, Netra Sommer remembers.

- I've had boyfriends who have been very criminal. Today I can see I chose them because I wanted to be loved, says Netra Sommer.

She dreamed of the bond she saw friends had with their parents, both physically and mentally, but instead she became so unhappy that she tried to take her life with pills from her mother's medicine cabinet. That was just before she turned 14.

- We never talked about it at home. They really didn't piss.

Turbulent life

When Netra Sommer finished 9th grade, she chose to move away from home. Then began a "turbulent life," as she calls it, where she met, among other things, a schoolteacher, who was the first adult to listen to her. She moved in with him for a while and today calls him "father".

Since then, she has lived in many different places. With friends, girlfriends, his cousin Finn on Christiania and on his own boat. Recently, she moved in with her good friend, Flemming, 54.

On Blue Monday, Netra Sommer cut her long, black hair and got page, and when she was 18, she shaved with a razor. She loves to be bald and recently got a tattoo on her scalp. It depicts her favorite flower - a sunflower.

- I love him very much, he is one of my best friends that I met when he sold me his boat. I have done volunteer work at Reden (a place in Vesterbro that helps vulnerable and vulnerable women) and can see the beauty in being a crooked person. I'm also different myself, so that way I fit in well.

When she was 18, she chose to report her father to the police for violence. The case was dismissed on the grounds that it happened many years ago. But for Netra Summer was her way to take definitive leave of his adoptive parents, and she has not seen them since.

But she is still missing one thing. To have the adoption revoked. Break all ties, be erased as heir. But the parents refuse to sign the papers she sends to them every single year.

Of course, I can not say what it would be like to live on the streets of India. But I can say how I myself have felt in Denmark, and I do not think my life here has been better.

NETRA SOMMER

Why do you think they will not sign?

- It's about power on their part. I'm just going to make it right. They think I'm so sick in the head that it's not well thought out. They think it's something I come up with because I'm completely gak.

So can you not just stop seeing them, even though on paper you are still your mom and dad?

- I feel it's incredibly stressful that we have to have a relationship, and if they die, I have to have a role in their lives that I do not want. I'm not their child, and that's how I always want to be. They have not created me and have never been able to act as parents, so they should not be allowed to be on paper.

Even though one day Netra Sommer manages to get divorced from her adoptive parents, she still remains a Danish citizen.

What do people think when you say that you want to divorce your adoptive parents?

- Many people think I'm mega ungrateful. But a child has not decided for himself who made it and that it should be removed from his culture and his country. I have had nothing to say in this situation, so how does that make me ungrateful?

Would you then have preferred poverty in India?

- If I had not known about anything else, it might have been good enough, who knows? Of course, I can not say what it would be like to live on the streets of India. But I can say how I myself have felt in Denmark, and I do not think my life here has been better. Yes, I have been given better opportunities for education, but shut up, where have I had to fend for myself and be strong.

WHAT DOES THE LAW SAY?

If an adopted child has reached the age of 18, it is possible to terminate the adoption if the adopted child and the adoptees agree.

The adoptive child can at the same time re-enter into the legal relationship with the original parent (s) if the original parent (s) consent.

If the adopted child is under the age of 18, it is possible to terminate the adoption if it is in the best interests of the child and if the adoptive parent and the adoptive child's original parents agree.

You can apply for revocation by sending an application to the National Board of Appeal, which assesses whether the adoption should be revoked.

Source: The National Board of Appeal

Huge trauma

Now she tells her story in the hope that the adoption law may one day be changed so that you can more easily be divorced from your adoptive parents when you are 18. She herself has met a number of adoptees who have the same wish.

And then she will also focus on several of the things she finds problematic about adoption. First, the rich buy babies from the poor and make them their own children.

- It is human trafficking when you buy another human being for a lot of money. Maybe one should instead look at helping these mothers who are so poor that they cannot keep their own child.

Right now, Netra Sommer is studying to be a Sosu assistant and dreams of one day opening a ferry with alternative treatment for people with trauma after, for example, adoption, incest or violence. (Photo: screenshot)

She also wants to tell people who are considering adopting that they should think twice.

- You take a child from another culture who may never have received kisses and love. I myself was a big kid when I was adopted and it was a huge trauma. And then I think there needs to be more checking with the adopted children. It is not okay to think that everything is fine, because the child has now become Danish.

Netra Sommer would like to have children one day, and even though she does not want to adopt, it could very well be a foster child. - There are so many children who feel bad, and I think I can embrace them because I myself have experienced beatings in life. (© PRIVATE PHOTO)

The next big trip is to go to India, where Netra Sommer dreams of finding her biological mother. The orphanage in Mumbai still exists, so she will travel there and rummage through some papers in true 'Traceless' manners.

Even though it may not get the happy ending she wants.

- Maybe my mother is dead. Or maybe she does not want to see me because she has a family she needs to take care of. I understand that. I would very much rather just find her and say that I have struggled to become her child again.

We have contacted Netra Sommer's adoptive parents for a comment to dr.dk, but they do not want to participate in the article.

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- De har aldrig været mine forældre, siger 27-årige Netra Sommer.

(© PRIVATFOTO)

AF RIKKE BJERGE

30. OKT KL. 11:05

"Hvor er du heldig, du blev adopteret til Danmark."

Det er en sætning, som mange adopterede hører igennem hele deres liv, især hvis de kommer fra fattige lande.

Det gør Netra Sommer.

Hun er født i Mumbai og tilbragte den første del af sit liv på et børnehjem i et fattigt indisk område, indtil hun blev adopteret til Danmark.

Men hun føler sig ikke heldig. Tværtimod.

- Det gik galt fra starten mellem mig og mine adoptivforældre. Jeg har haft en turbulent barndom med vold og ingen forståelse hos min adoptivfamilie. Det har aldrig nogensinde været godt, siger 27-årige Netra Sommer.

'LANDET I DEN FORKERTE FAMILIE'

Kom tæt på Netra Sommer og hendes kamp for at blive skilt fra sine adoptivforældre i DR3's nye dokumentar 'Landet i den forkerte familie'. Se alle fire afsnit på DRTV her.

Derfor kæmper hun nu på niende år for at få ophævet adoptionen, så hun kan blive skilt fra sine adoptivforældre. Dem, der ifølge dansk lov er hendes mor og far på lige fod, som hvis de var hendes biologiske. Men det kan hun ikke uden deres samtykke, og det vil forældrene ikke give hende.

- Man kan bestemme, at man vil skifte køn, men ikke hvem man er blevet adopteret af. De er ikke mine forældre, og det har de aldrig været.

Jeg fik ofte at vide, at jeg kunne pakke mine ting og tage tilbage til, hvor jeg kom fra, hvis jeg ikke makkede ret. Men hvor fanden skulle jeg tage hen?

NETRA SOMMER

Netra blev til Sarah

Det lød ellers som en solstrålehistorie, da Netra Sommer blev adopteret fra et børnehjem i Mumbai til Fyn. Hun var to et halvt år og kunne ifølge sine adoptionspapirer forstå fire forskellige indiske dialekter.

- For mig har det haft store konsekvenser at blive adopteret, men lige meget om man har haft en god eller dårlig adoption, vil man altid tænke på, hvem der er ens mor og far. Det er en kæmpe del af ens identitet. (© PRIVATFOTO)

Hun blev adopteret af sin mor og far, som brændende ønskede sig et barn. Løsningen på deres ønske blev Netra – eller Sarah, som de valgte at kalde hende.

Men det, der skulle have været så godt, kom aldrig til at fungere for Netra Sommer, som ikke ønsker at bruge sit danske navn, Sarah.

HVOR MANGE BLIVER ADOPTERET?

Fra 1970'erne til 2010 blev 400-700 udenlandske børn adopteret til Danmark hvert år.

Siden er tallet faldet, og i 2017 blev 79 børn adopteret fra udlandet.

Antallet af danskere, der får afslag på at adoptere, er steget. Fra 1997 til 2014 fik 14 procent afslag i gennemsnit. I 2017 fik 45 procent af ansøgerne afslag.

Kilder: Faktalink, Ritzau, Danmarks Statistik

- Jeg har altid følt, at jeg bare blev placeret et sted, så nogen kunne få deres ønske opfyldt. Der er ingen tvivl om, at de gerne ville have mig, for de har betalt mange penge for at få mig. Men det er ikke sådan, de har behandlet mig.

Tog en masse piller

Opvæksten beskriver hun som præget af vold. Hendes far var ikke bleg for at bruge hårdhændede metoder i opdragelsen, såsom at stikke hende en flad eller give hende smæk.

Men det værste var næsten forældrenes kommentarer, når de mente, hun havde opført sig dårligt.

- Jeg fik ofte at vide, at jeg kunne pakke mine ting og tage tilbage til, hvor jeg kom fra, hvis jeg ikke makkede ret. Men hvor fanden skulle jeg tage hen? Hvad havde de tænkt sig? Det gjorde virkelig noget ved mig, husker Netra Sommer.

- Jeg har haft kærester, som har været meget kriminelle. I dag kan jeg se, jeg valgte dem, fordi jeg gerne ville elskes, siger Netra Sommer. (© PRIVATFOTO)

Hun drømte om det bånd, hun så, vennerne havde med deres forældre, både fysisk og psykisk, men i stedet blev hun så ulykkelig, at hun prøvede at tage sit liv med piller fra morens medicinskab. Det var lige før, hun fyldte 14.

- Vi talte aldrig om det derhjemme. De var egentlig pisse ligeglade.

Turbulent liv

Da Netra Sommer var færdig med 9. klasse, valgte hun at flytte hjemmefra. Herefter begyndte et "turbulent liv", som hun kalder det, hvor hun blandt andet mødte en skolelærer, som var det første voksne menneske, som lyttede hende. Hun flyttede ind hos ham i en periode og kalder ham i dag for "far".

Siden har hun boet mange forskellige steder. Hos veninder, kærester, sin fætter Finn på Christiania og på sin egen båd. For nyligt flyttede hun så ind hos sin gode ven, Flemming på 54.

På Blå Mandag klippede Netra Sommer sit lange, sorte hår og fik page, og da hun var 18, barberede hun sig med en skraber. Hun elsker at være skaldet og fik for nyligt en tatovering i hovedbunden. Den forestiller hendes yndlingsblomst – en solsikke. (Foto: screenshot © Dr)

- Jeg elsker ham rigtig meget, han er en af mine bedste venner, som jeg mødte, da han solgte mig sin båd. Jeg har lavet frivilligt arbejde på Reden (et sted på Vesterbro, der hjælper sårbare og udsatte kvinder) og kan se det smukke i, at man er en skæv person. Jeg er også selv anderledes, så på den måde passer jeg godt ind.

Da hun var 18, valgte hun at melde sin far til politiet for vold. Sagen blev afvist med den begrundelse, at det er mange år siden, det skete. Men for Netra Sommer var det hendes måde at tage endegyldigt afsked med sine adoptivforældre, og hun har ikke set dem siden.

Men hun mangler stadig én ting. At få ophævet adoptionen. Bryde alle bånd, blive slettet som arving. Men forældrene nægter at skrive under på papirerne, som hun sender til dem hvert eneste år.

Jeg kan selvfølgelig ikke sige, hvordan det ville være at bo på gaden i Indien. Men jeg kan sige, hvordan jeg selv har haft det i Danmark, og jeg tror ikke, mit liv her har været bedre.

NETRA SOMMER

Hvorfor tror du, de ikke vil skrive under?

- Det drejer sig om magt fra deres side. Jeg skal bare makke ret. De synes, jeg er så syg i hovedet, at det ikke er gennemtænkt. De tror, det er noget, jeg finder på, fordi jeg er fuldstændig gak.

Kan du så ikke bare lade være med at se dem, selvom på papiret stadig er din mor og far?

- Jeg føler, det er utroligt belastende, at vi skal have en relation, og hvis de dør, skal jeg have en rolle i deres liv, jeg ikke vil have. Jeg er ikke deres barn, og sådan vil jeg altid have det. De har ikke skabt mig og har aldrig kunnet agere forældre, så det skal de ikke have lov til at være på papiret.

Selvom det en dag lykkes Netra Sommer at blive skilt fra sine adoptivforældre, forbliver hun stadig dansk statsborger. (Foto: screenshot)

Hvad tænker folk, når du fortæller, at du vil skilles fra dine adoptivforældre?

- Flere synes, jeg er mega utaknemmelig. Men et barn har jo ikke selv bestemt, hvem der har lavet det, og at det skal fjernes fra sin kultur og sit land. Jeg har intet haft at sige i den her situation, så hvordan gør det mig utaknemmelig?

Ville du da have foretrukket fattigdom i Indien?

- Hvis jeg ikke havde kendt til andet, var det måske godt nok, hvem ved? Jeg kan selvfølgelig ikke sige, hvordan det ville være at bo på gaden i Indien. Men jeg kan sige, hvordan jeg selv har haft det i Danmark, og jeg tror ikke, mit liv her har været bedre. Ja, jeg har fået bedre muligheder for uddannelse, men hold kæft, hvor har jeg skullet klare mig selv og være stærk.

HVAD SIGER LOVEN?

Hvis et adoptivbarn er fyldt 18 år, er det muligt at ophæve adoptionen, hvis adoptivbarnet og adoptanterne er enige om det.

Adoptivbarnet kan samtidig genindtræde i retsforholdet til den/de oprindelige forældre, hvis den/de oprindelige forældre samtykker.

Hvis adoptivbarnet er under 18 år, er det muligt at ophæve adoptionen, hvis det er bedst for barnet, og hvis adoptanten og adoptivbarnets oprindelige forældre er enige om det.

Du kan søge om ophævelse ved at sende en ansøgning til Ankestyrelsen, som vurderer, om adoptionen skal ophæves.

Kilde: Ankestyrelsen

Kæmpe traume

Nu fortæller hun sin historie i håb om, at adoptionsloven en dag kan blive ændret, så man lettere kan blive skilt fra sine adoptivforældre, når man er 18. Selv har hun mødt en del adopterede, der har samme ønske.

Og så vil hun også sætte fokus på flere af de ting, hun finder problematisk ved adoption. For det første at rige køber babyer fra fattige og gør dem til deres egne børn.

- Det er jo menneskehandel, når du køber et andet menneske for en masse penge. Måske skulle man i stedet se på at hjælpe de her mødre, der er så fattige, at de ikke kan beholde deres eget barn.

Lige nu læser Netra Sommer til Sosu-assistent og drømmer om en dag at åbne en færge med alternativ behandling for folk med traumer efter for eksempel adoption, incest eller vold. (Foto: screenshot)

Hun ønsker også at fortælle folk, der overvejer at adoptere, at de skal tænke sig godt om.

- Du tager et barn fra en anden kultur, som måske aldrig har fået kys og kærlighed. Jeg var selv et stort barn, da jeg blev adopteret, og det var et kæmpe traume. Og så synes jeg, der skal mere tjek med de adopterede børn. Det er ikke okay at tro, at alt er fint, fordi barnet nu er blevet dansk.

Netra Sommer vil gerne have børn en dag, og selvom hun ikke vil adoptere, kunne det sagtens være et plejebarn. - Der er så mange børn, der har det dårligt, og jeg tror, jeg kan omfavne dem, fordi jeg selv har oplevet at få tæsk i livet. (© PRIVATFOTO)

Den næste store rejse skal gå til Indien, hvor Netra Sommer drømmer om at finde sin biologiske mor. Børnehjemmet i Mumbai findes stadig, så hun vil rejse derhen og rode i nogle papirer på ægte 'Sporløs'-maner.

Også selvom det måske ikke får den lykkelige afslutning, hun ønsker.

- Måske er min mor død. Eller måske vil hun ikke se mig, fordi hun har en familie, hun skal tage sig af. Det forstår jeg godt. Jeg vil allerhelst bare finde hende og sige, at jeg har kæmpet for at blive hendes barn igen.

Vi har kontaktet Netra Sommers adoptivforældre med henblik på en kommentar til dr.dk, men de ønsker ikke at deltage i artiklen.

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