White parents, black children: 'I didn't notice the bullying'

Rose Roeterink (27) and her parents Chris Roeterink (72) and Mieke Nederlof (64)

Rose: 'I grew up in the Achterhoek, where mainly white people live. I now live in Utrecht. I have never discussed racism with my parents. For a long time I did not dare to talk about racism, also because it did not exist in the eyes of my parents and those around me. '

'We still live in Dinxperlo, in the Achterhoek', her father Chris says from their living room, sitting next to his wife on the sofa. 'When we started dating Mieke immediately about adoption. I didn't see any problems. Because her mother's first child had died during childbirth, she had inherited a difficult relationship with childbirth from home. Mieke: 'I have always supported the idea of ??a mixed family. We have four children, three of whom have been adopted. Rose is the youngest. ' Chris: 'After three children, we found our family complete. Until we got a message from the children's home in Haiti where we had adopted our other daughter. She turned out to have a biological sister, Rose. The question was whether we could also adopt her. We wanted that. ' Mieke: 'When Rose was 15 she had to tell a story about her mother in front of the class. She burst into tears, said she couldn't because she didn't know her real mother, in Haiti. I was upset about that. ' Rose:

Rose: 'When I was very young, I mainly saw that I had older parents than most children. I didn't necessarily see a color difference. Classmates sometimes asked how my parents were white and I black. I would explain that I was adopted, but that I just called them mom and dad. ' Chris: “That Rose could face racism didn't bother us. Rose: “Apparently it is. My birth name is Darkenlove. You thought people would react weird to that, so you called me Rose. ' Chris: 'For us it doesn't matter whether you are black or white. Racism does not exist for us. I do know that other people think racist. On holiday abroad you were sometimes stared at as if you were monkeys, but we didn't think that something like this happened in the Netherlands. ' Rose: 'That image prevailed too, that there was no racism in the Netherlands. I kept quiet about it for a long time because I thought it shouldn't be a problem. '

Rose: 'I've always felt good in our family, we talked about everything except racism. I had plenty of girlfriends in primary school, but I was also bullied and spat on. I got no answer from my teacher. My brother and sister went through similar things, but we didn't talk about it because we wanted to be as normal as possible. Mama loved alpine caps. I never wanted to wear it, then I would be called Zwarte Piet. ' Chris: 'We have never heard of it, the children have not discussed it with us.' Rose: 'I think it is the responsibility of parents to make something like this negotiable. Racism was not an existing problem for my parents, they did not have to deal with it themselves, so they did not see it. I am surprised to hear that they have not noticed much of this. As if they forgot a bit. Chris: When we hear this, the problem has been bigger than we realized. We didn't pay much attention to it. ' Mieke: 'I haven't noticed the bullying. The stories came later. I wonder if I've failed as a mother, if I've listened to Rose enough. ”

Rose: 'In recent years we have started talking more and more about racism. I am happy with that. I used to not know how to make it clear that I wanted to talk about it - now I do. The Black Lives Matter movement played a part in that and my sister raised it at home. She said, "I find it difficult that I have a problem that my parents don't understand." Chris: 'I understand it much better now. At first I thought the 'Zwarte Piet' discussion was nonsense, now I think it is very good that it is being abolished. We did not see each other for a while because of the corona measures, but I understood very well that Rose was going to demonstrate. '

Rose: 'Mom and Dad had a lot of warmth for us. That has prevailed. I don't blame them and I am happy with my parents. ' Mieke: "I am proud of Rose, she is a go-getter." Chris: 'At first we thought our family was complete with three, but Rose is really our icing on the cake.

Jonathan Bongani Jonkman (27) and his parents Henk Jonkman (71) and Aurelia Jonkman (69) Image Erik Smits

Jonathan Bongani Jonkman (27) and his parents Henk Jonkman (71) and Aurelia Jonkman (69)

Jonathan: 'My parents have always wanted to talk to me about racism. I didn't have to: I wasn't busy with it because I didn't have to deal with it. ' 'The name Jonathan means' given by the Lord '', his mother Aurelia tells via Zoom from their living room in Dronten. 'Bongani is' let's give thanks' in the language of the Zulus. Such a beautiful child is to be grateful for. ' Father Henk: 'We are Christian Reformed, but we are not super conservative; we call ourselves cheerfully orthodox. Based on our faith, we want to mean something to our neighbors. '

Aurelia: 'We really wanted children, but we couldn't have them biologically. After the adoption of our white son Rick, when we still lived in the Netherlands, we moved to a black community in South Africa. We went to work for Henk, he is a pastor. We read about an overcrowded adoption house, but we were not allowed to adopt 'across the color line' at the time: that was during the apartheid era. After its abolition in 1994, we adopted Jonathan from that house. We were still living in South Africa at the time. When we were in a white store, people made fun of us when I said I was the mother. Black people just said: God bless you. ' Henk: 'It took more than a year to get him to the Netherlands, even though he was officially adopted and all papers had been arranged. Nauseating. If anything racist is thought, it is with the Immigration and Naturalization Service, they are the greatest apartheid thinkers, just write that down. ' Aurelia: 'Two retired police officers we knew did their best for us. In the end it worked. Back in the Netherlands, we had to go to the GGD to check whether the children were suffering. Both of our children had been vaccinated against TB. Rick, who is white, didn't need a second shot. Jonathan does. We have experienced this as very discriminatory. Rick had gone to school in South Africa, Jonathan wasn't, Rick had been much more likely to catch something. '

Jonathan about his parents: 'I didn't find it difficult that I didn't look like them and I never really saw that they are white, at least not consciously. But when I was a child we still regularly went on holiday to South Africa and I asked every black woman there if she was my mother. I said sorry for that later. ' Aurelia: "I didn't think that was necessary, I understood that curiosity."

Jonathan: 'Everything could be discussed at home, including racism. I think my parents know more about racism than I do because they lived apartheid. ' Aurelia: “It has always been discussed. We knew: we have a white and a black child and Jonathan could face racism. ' Henk: "As long as he lived with us and moved in the family and in church circles, racism played no role at all." Aurelia: 'Everyone thought he was super cute; a nice black boy with those cute curls. ' Henk: 'We did know that as soon as he became independent, we could no longer protect him. A friend of ours regularly said to his black children: 'hey black ones', to arm them against racism. When we said that to Jonathan, he said, I'm not black, I'm brown. ' Aurelia: 'We no longer see his color. Henk: You can see it, of course, but at the same time not. We just see Jonathan. ' Jonathan: 'My parents taught me:don't judge a book by its cover . '

Jonathan: 'I come from a privileged environment, I was brought up with Dutch culture. I have almost always felt accepted. In high school, friends sometimes complained: 'Black this, Moroccans that. Then I said: hello, I'm not white either, am I? Yes, but you are different, they would say. My brother taught me to keep quiet when going out because I could be a target for the police. ” Aurelia: 'You have been stopped by the police on the bridge and it was obvious that you were picked out for being black. We then filed another complaint. ' Jonathan: "I'm very naive, I don't see that, or maybe I don't want to see that that's racism." Henk: 'Dronten remains a white village. When you weren't welcome at a farmer's club, you didn't need it anymore. ' Jonathan: 'If I'm not welcome somewhere,

Jonathan: 'Black Lives Matter was intense for me. In Amsterdam, where I now live, people label more with terms like 'black' and 'white', while I was not used to that at home. I always said I was so happy that I was raised 'white'. BLM made me wonder: was I sitting right? I still don't want people to think on the street: a BLM employee is walking there, but I do see the value of the protests. ' Henk: 'I would like to conclude with the fact that we gave him a good childhood. In South Africa you were thrown out of an orphanage as a child of 8, you had to steal to survive and you ran the risk of being shot like a dog if you did. Jonathan: "I am very grateful to my parents for everything."

Iris van Lunenburg (35) and her mother Margien Bischoff (72) Image Erik Smits

Iris van Lunenburg (35) and her mother Margien Bischoff (72)

Iris: 'I have been talking to my mother about racism for a number of years. I wonder more and more whether I missed those conversations in the past ', says Iris during a video interview from Leiden, where she recently moved in with her boyfriend Pieter van der Wielen. Like her, he is a TV presenter. "Every time I'm on TV, I get messages saying the surprise: hey, you're a dark cockerel." Next to her on the sofa is mother Margien, who lives in The Hague.

Margien: 'My ex-husband and I thought it was a great idea to give an underprivileged child the opportunity to have a good life. We adopted Iris from an orphanage in Haiti. ' Iris: 'From the poorest slum in the world, I ended up in Emmen as a baby. After ten years we moved to The Hague. ' Margien: 'We have always been very open about Iris's adoption, we have been to Haitian meetings a lot. Iris: 'In the past, the Facebook group for Haitians in the Netherlands was mainly about tasty Haitian food and drink - now the conversations are also about racism and descent.'

Margien: 'When we adopted Iris, I didn't think about racism. I always said I didn't care if you're green, yellow, purple, blue, or red; we are all human. As a child you once asked if you would turn white if you drank a lot of milk. I asked why? You are beautiful just the way you are. ' Iris: 'It was normal for me to have white parents and a white brother. Everyone around me was white, I grew up with the white standard. I was always the only person of color, I didn't see anyone who looked like me. Everyone had straight hair, except me. But, and in retrospect I find that special, it never bothered me. I didn't really think about it, it was fun to stand out. ' Margien: 'Everyone accepted you. You were just Iris, it wasn't about skin tone at all. Once at the Hague market, you said: "There are all black people here." She had never seen that before. But honey, you're dark too, I said. She looked at herself and said, "Oh yes!" Iris: "I wasn't working on that at the time, while of course I could see for myself that I was dark."

Iris: 'I have never heard a single unconventional word in Emmen, I have never been called names. If strangers asked about my skin color, I explained where I was from and it was fine. Quite special, because unlike the Randstad at the time, not many black people lived in Emmen. I don't know if that is coincidence or the environment from which I come. But the fact that I personally have not experienced anything unpleasant does not mean that it does not happen to others. ' Margien: 'We have not experienced any racism in Emmen.' Iris: 'Well, you have real racists, and more subtly,' unintentional 'racism. I have experienced that. People who were surprised that I spoke Dutch so well. Or said things like: if only they were all like you, because you are nice. I used to think that something like that was a compliment. I now see that it's really not okay. ' Margien: "I understand what you mean, but you can also see the positive side of it."

Iris: 'You often hear from black people that in their childhood they were warned by their parents that they had to try twice as hard, or were prepared in a different way for negative reactions to their skin color. I've never had a conversation like that with my mother. I also doubt whether I would have liked those warnings, maybe I was less positive about life than now. ' Margien: 'Maybe it would have hindered you precisely because you should have always been on your guard. We said, "You can become anything you want, but you have to do something for it." That had nothing to do with color. '

Iris: 'I used to not be concerned with racism. Now, as I get older and especially since the murder of George Floyd and the Black Lives Matter demonstrations. Should we have talked more about racism in the past? ' Margien: "In hindsight maybe, but we didn't because you were accepted that way." Iris: 'I have always turned my skin color into something positive, while enough people have indeed experienced anti-black racism. I have not missed the conversations with my mother about racism, but with the knowledge of today, I do see the added value of such conversations. I have a positive self-image, but it's still crazy to grow up in an environment where nobody looks like you. I actually would have liked to talk more about that. ' Margien: "I understand that." Iris: 'I am glad that there is more talk about racism and it is also good to make the voices of adopted children heard. I miss them in the racism debate, which is why I am also making a podcast on this topic. I've been ashamed that I don't have a foreign accent. Apparently that is what people often expect from a dark person. ' Margien, laughing: "You don't even have a Drenthe accent."

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