'High time for more rights for rainbow families'

At the moment, having children is often a difficult process for gay and lesbian couples. Adoptions are becoming increasingly difficult, there is no legislation on surrogacy in our country and multi-parenting seems taboo. 'This leads to a lot of grief and frustration for LGBTI + wish-parents,' writes Bruno De Lille. "It is urgent time for a clear framework."

Our son turned eighteen. Because of the corona crisis, there was not really a party, but he seems to like the idea that he is an adult. His joy, however, is nothing compared to ours, his parents. Because that we have been able to help a son grow up can be called a small miracle. Had I been born twenty years earlier or in another country, I would never have been a dad.

Even now many people are still surprised when my husband and I turn up somewhere with our son. A male-male couple with a child, it remains special. Because it is not because Belgium has now allowed adoption by couples of the same sex for almost fifteen years that it is not easy to have a child (entrusted) as two men.

High time for more rights for rainbow families

It used to be simple: if you were openly gay, you wouldn't have children. Point. In the 1990s and 2000s that started to change. LGBTI + couples receive legal recognition, are allowed to marry and later adopt. Since then, adoption seems obvious for gay couples who want to become dads. Although it remains difficult.

Most rainbow male couples who want to have children opt for a domestic route. However, the waiting time is long and the chance of success is not guaranteed. The Flemish support center for adoption talks about a procedure that easily takes 7 to 9 years . The number of prospective adoptive parents who report annually (150 to 200) is therefore much greater than the number of children (20 to 25) who need adoption every year.

If you want to adopt abroad, you have to show even more perseverance. According to the Kind & Gezin website , South Africa is today the only country where Flemish male-male couples could soon succeed. In the United States, Canada and Mexico it could theoretically be possible, but in practice there is apparently no organization that can or will guide you as a gay couple. In 2011, the Flemish Adoption Officer was already nominated for the homophobia prize because no progress was made with regard to intercountry adoption by LGBsand unfortunately now, 10 years later, we are still not a step further. It almost seems like gay couples looking to adopt for our adoption services are the last of their concerns. There are hardly any examples of successful intercountry adoptions by two men.

Descending story

Foreign adoption seems to be an ending story anyway. The adoption associations are usually themselves against adoption. They assume that children will grow up better in their own country and that we will put more money and energy into letting those children grow up locally.

The sector is also facing scandals. In the Netherlands, a commission of inquiry has found so many examples of child theft, child trafficking and corruption, that it is calling for the adoption of children from abroad to be stopped . And in Flanders, too, a study was set up in 2019 on adoption fraud involving children from Guatemala and Congo, among others.

The number of children adopted in Belgium and neighboring countries is therefore falling sharply. Still, according to Unicef, at least 2.7 million children worldwide still live in orphanages . Many of them will not receive the attention and care every child deserves until they are 18, when they have to stand on their own two feet, and they would benefit from a new loving family.

There is no legal regulation on surrogacy in Belgium and this creates legal uncertainty

Our authorities must then guarantee that adoption fraud or child trafficking is excluded, because you cannot leave that to the orphanages and the intended parents themselves. So set up an efficient control service or finance the adoption counseling services so that they can carry out the checks and balances thoroughly. But rather than investing in good control and guidance, the system is being phased out step by step. If we simultaneously work on structural solutions in the countries of origin, I could still accept that. Unfortunately, we look the other way, satisfied that we have laundered our soul. The weakest are victims again.

Surrogacy mothers

When adoption is no longer an option, the prospective parents are pushed towards other solutions. And because there aren't 1001 ways to have children, male-male couples are increasingly turning to surrogacy.

This is not prohibited in Belgium, but it is also not allowed. There is simply no legal regulation. And that creates legal uncertainty. For example, there are couples who appealed to a foreign surrogate mother and who had their child registered by the registrar of births, deaths and marriages without any problem. Other municipalities refuse to do so and first want a decision from the family court. You have to get lucky with the judge in this case too. Because because there is no legal regulation, it is in fact the family court itself who makes the law. However, not everyone will be equally open to LGBTI + relationships in 2021. How can you be sure that a refusal has nothing to do with the personal attitude of the judge towards two men with a child?

Just because you avoid a discussion doesn't make it disappear

Many politicians are afraid of this discussion. The difficult ethical questions that they must answer are therefore many. Does the surrogate mother also have to be the legal mother of the child? Can the surrogate mother decide to keep the child even though she is not genetically related to the child? How much can you pay a surrogate mother before it becomes human trafficking? Moreover, as professor and ethicist Guido Pennings (UGent) points out, it is impossible to foresee every situation .

However, just because you avoid a discussion does not make it disappear. On the contrary, there is a good chance that others will determine the rules. For example, at the beginning of June 2021 you can visit the baby fair 'Men Having Babies' for the sixth time . A trade show where American and Canadian firms and hospitals offer their services to gay couples who dream of having a baby. According to their standards, of course. And so a baby quickly costs $ 150,000 and you can choose the sex of your baby or make demands on the intelligence of the egg donor without any problem, as became apparent after an undercover visit by two journalists from Het Nieuwsblad . This alone seems worthy of some serious debate.

It therefore depends on how much money you have, which lawyer you can afford or in which municipality you live or whether having your child will be a smooth journey or an odyssey of many years. An urgent appeal to our politicians: do not wait any longer, but provide a clear legal framework.

Multiple parents

And laws must also be written quickly around multiple parenthood. After all, more and more children are growing up in multi-parent families. Families often reconstituted after a divorce where mom and dad each have a new partner. But sometimes a lesbian and a gay couple who have made a child together and are also raising it together. If those three or four people are all willing to give their love and care to those children, why should the law split them into "real" and "not-real" parents? Because the baby is not biologically related to the plus mom or dad?

The law does not really care about this: no DNA test is required when you report your baby and there is no biological connection in the event of adoption. Moreover, there is more and more often a biological bond between all those parents and the baby. In lesbian couples, it is no exception that one woman carries the child made from her partner's egg and the sperm of a donor . If that donor is known and wants to play a role in the life of the child, you have de facto three parents who each have a natural bond with the girl or boy. And there are also already known successful examples of babies genetically related to 3 people .

Older in every country

In addition, as a LGBTI + community, we demand that the consequences of these laws are respected throughout the EU. Of course we would prefer that same-sex couples in all countries of the European Union should be allowed to marry, adopt children and so on. Unfortunately we are not there yet. When we read reports about Hungary banning adoption by LGBTI + people , the French senate that wants to continue to ban IVF for single and lesbian women, and the Latvian parliament discussing whether to put a ban on same-sex marriage in the constitution , we even have the impression that we are currently deteriorating. Today the EU apparently does not want or cannot force Member States to guarantee the rights of their LGBTI + residents to the maximumDespite all the fine statements about LGBTI + strategies .

The EU must, if it really means the free movement of citizens, demand that what has been achieved in one Member State is also respected elsewhere. Two women who are married should be treated like any other married couple across the EU. A child adopted by two men should officially have two daddies everywhere, even if the family moves to Hungary, for example.

Let's end the unhealthy arbitrariness that too often prevails

We are experiencing interesting times in this area. On Tuesday, February 9, 2021, the case of baby Sara was brought before the European Court of Justice. Sara was born in Spain and has two mothers: one Brexit British, the other Bulgarian. According to EU rules, Sara should receive Bulgarian papers. But Bulgaria sees that slightly differently: they believe that a child cannot have two mothers and refuse to register the baby with all the consequences that entails. We are looking forward to the verdict, which could have major consequences for all European rainbow families. It is clear to ILGA-Europe, the umbrella organization of the European LGBTI + associations: Ursula von der Leyen, President of the European Commission, must urgently live up to her statement "If you are older in one country, you are older in every country" (State of the Union, September 2020). It is obvious that I expect our Belgian EU MPs to exert pressure too.

Modern

Rainbow families, surrogate mothers, multi-parent families ... as a society and as politicians you can continue to resist these kinds of 'newfangled evolutions', but in fact we have already been caught up by reality. Let's debate it for the sake of the children and put an end to the unhealthy arbitrariness that too often prevails.

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