Suddenly I heard my own letter on television

In the beginning, anonymous sperm donation was the standard. Since 1993, some clinics have worked with two types of donors: completely anonymous (A donor) or a donor that can be traced to the child in the long run (B donor). Information about these B donors appears to be only allowed after the donor's consent has been given. This means that they can also choose to remain anonymous. What are their considerations? Talking to a donor and moving from anonymity to contact.

Call

Anonymity is a complicated concept, according to Jeroen's (pseudonym) story. That story starts in 1995. “My wife was pregnant with our third child. Unfortunately, she miscarried after three months. That meant that a new pregnancy was no longer realistic, given our age. ”

"We could imagine that the children wanted to know who I was later on."

About a year later, he reads a call from a clinic to register sperm donors. In consultation with his wife, he decides to start the conversation. “We considered ourselves happy with our children, and we wish others that too. Together we decided that I would donate as a B donor. We could imagine that the children later wanted to know who I was. ”

No questions

And so it happened. Jeroen gets a conversation with a doctor from the clinic. "After completing a list in which external and personal characteristics were requested and after a number of checks, I was registered." From 1996 he goes to the clinic every month. “The striking thing was that it was never about the number of offspring or questions from the parents. I didn't ask about it myself. Why would I? Then I knew there were five descendants, for example. And then?" In 2001 he stopped as a donor because of the decreased quality of his sperm. “In the years that followed the subject kept haunting my mind. I was divorced and started a new relationship. I told her about my donorship early on. She understood why I had become a donor and accepted that children might knock on the door later. ”

Found it

And indeed. In 2018, the first child will come into contact with a request. “That was quite a shock. In my naivety I always thought that suddenly a child would be at the door, but it went very differently. ” Jeroen receives a formal letter from the Foundation for donor data for artificial insemination (SDKB) asking whether his data may be provided to a donor child. He has to think about that carefully.

"After much deliberation, I have decided to remain anonymous."

“My ex-wife and I got divorced in a neat way, but the sadness I caused my children with this has always stayed with me. They did not know about my donorship. I was afraid I would hurt them again with this story. At the same time, I was afraid of confrontation, of something that I would no longer have a grip on. After much deliberation, I have decided to remain anonymous. ” He realizes that this is a huge disappointment to his donor child and the parents. After all, the latter had consciously opted for a B donor. "But with the arrival of social media, I was immediately accessible if they had my first and last name." Jeroen writes a letter - via SDKB - to his donor child to explain his decision to remain anonymous and to outline who he is and what he does.

A second donor child

“It never let go of me. Just because of the social debate about sperm donors: a minister who must comply with the law, but at the same time calls on donors to step out of anonymity, donors who have 50 or more offspring, a doctor who used his own sperm for fertilization. ” Yet Jeroen sticks to his decision and hopes that the storm will abate. ” Even if there is a second request from SDKB. "I wrote another letter to the child and declined the request for my data."

Under fire

Then one evening he sees a broadcast of Nieuwsuur in which parents tell their story about a B donor who still wants to remain anonymous. He hears how the content of a letter is discussed. It was his letter to the second donor child. My first reaction was anger. Did I come under fire now? Now I can't get out of anonymity at all! On the other hand, I understood those parents. I didn't keep my word and they stood up for their child. ” He is in contact with the hospital. “They weren't waiting for this kind of publicity, but of course they depended on my choice. A lawsuit was pending against another B donor. That too went through my head: what if the judge decides that the interests of the child outweigh the interests of the donor? Then anonymity may be lifted. ”

21 descendants

The Nieuwsuur broadcast makes Jeroen think further. “I thought: what kind of guy am I if I don't keep my agreements? And why am I so scared? Do I hurt my children if I tell them they have half siblings? "

"My donor children cannot make a claim on my estate."

"Legally I am protected. My donor children cannot make a claim on my estate." Jeroen hears from the hospital that there are 21 descendants. He tells the children. They all reacted the same: surprised, understanding and proud. "We all had to get used to the fact that there are 21 half-brothers and sisters. Now we can talk about it openly and with the necessary humor. ”

With lead in the shoes

Jeroen decides to agree to a meeting with the second donor child. “I understood from the hospital that they would like to involve Fiom. In retrospect, that was a masterstroke. The social worker was a very nice man. He prepared for the conversation with me. We agreed that he would stay there if the conversation went awry and would leave us alone if it went well. ” The meeting is in the hospital, at the request of Jeroen. “I went there with lead in my shoes, but I look back on it with a good feeling. First of all, I apologized to mother and child for the entire course of events. Then I explained why I became a donor. ” Photos were shared, widespread amazement at the resemblance. The conversation will stay with him all his life. At the end of the conversation, the question arises 'what next?' “That was a quest for all of us. We exchanged contact details. I don't make contact that easily and I am not a talker with strangers, but that shouldn't spoil the fun. All in due time."

The importance of DNA

After that first meeting, Jeroen registers with the Fiom KID-DNA Database. “I didn't hesitate for a second about that. At first I did it to check if we were indeed related, but I also realized that maybe more children are looking and that way they can find me. "

"For example, if there are medical questions, it is nice that you can be found as a donor."

"Donating my DNA was very easy, you could just do that by post." The Fiom KID-DNA Database is very important, says Jeroen. "I understand the question of donor children and their parents very well. They are looking for more information. And if there are, for example, medical questions, it is nice that you as a donor you are. ”

"Fiom thinks along with the donor and donor child"

But there was also that first request for contact. He contacts SDKB and indicates that his data may be provided and that he is open to a meeting. Fiom is also involved now. "It was very exciting again." The meeting will take place at the Fiom office in Den Bosch. “I have come to appreciate this organization more and more. They are objective in the story and try to think along with both the donor and the donor child. ” The meeting is special. “I saw a second Jeroen enter the room. His mother started to cry when she saw me and I gave her a hug right away. That immediately broke the ice. ” Jeroen again apologizes and tells about his motives. There is mutual understanding and a nice conversation arises that he often thinks back to.

Via Facebook

In the meantime, a closed group has been created on Facebook for mothers of donor children in the Netherlands. During the meeting, the mother of his donor child shows a photo to Jeroen. "My mouth fell open: I saw my brother again." It turns out to be his third donor child. Found through that Facebook group.

"My life has been enriched, among other things, by the arrival of my donor children."

The meeting has meanwhile taken place at the home of the donor. “He is a calm boy and the contact is mainly through Jeroen's WhatsApp group and the three donor children. They are really three completely different children. I am proud of the choice I once made to become a donor. My life has been enriched, among other things, by the arrival of my donor children. ”

"It's not that simple"

Jeroen thinks it is important to share his story. “I think that people quickly have their judgment on donors. As a result, it is not easy to tell that I am a donor. It is not all that simple. At the time, nobody prepared me for what was to come, there was no guidance. Times have since changed. We have the internet, social media, the concept of privacy is different. And I have changed. But it seems like you shouldn't go back to a choice you made 25 years ago. I struggled quite a bit with the question 'what can and do I want to offer my donor child?'. I still struggle with that. What helped me during the meetings is the thought that I was in control of it myself. If I had wanted to leave it with that one conversation, that would be fine too. In retrospect, I am happy with how it went.

Fiom KID - DNA Database 10 years!

The Fiom KID-DNA Database has been in existence for ten years. Donor children conceived with an anonymous sperm donor and sperm donors who have donated anonymously can search for each other via this database. Nearly 800 donors and 2000 donor children have now been registered. In the past 10 years, 24% of donors have been matched with one or more donor children. For donor children, 37% is matched to a donor profile. Media attention on the subject is causing an increase in registrations. And the more donor children and donors are registered, the greater the chance of a match. Are you an anonymous donor or donor child looking for information about the donor; then sign up!

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