I secretly gave birth to my twins in the bathroom - and put them up for adoption

My name is Michaela, I would like to tell you my story. To say it right from the start: My story is not an "ideal world" story. I have gone through major crises in my life and was almost always on my own. So I've had to make some decisions that many women won't understand. But: Everything that I have done, I have done because I love my children and wish them a better life.

But let's start at the beginning. It starts in 2015. That year I separated from the father of my two children. He and I always went to work full-time, and after my job I did the children and the house by myself. This went on for years and at some point I got sick from the stress. I could no longer go to work and the relationship finally collapsed.

Since the father was no longer interested in his children after the separation (actually he didn't have that before), I moved 300 kilometers away to another city and wanted to start again. In mid-2016 I met another man who - as I only found out six months later - was in a committed relationship. I'm not a woman who destroys marriages or relationships - so I broke up with this man immediately. And moved back to my former home.

Four weeks later I realized that I was pregnant. I didn't want to have the abortion, but I also knew I couldn't raise this baby. I already had two children, I was always at the limit, financially it was tough and most of all I had no support. I knew that the father of the unborn child would have no interest in the child and it was clear to me that I could not create another child.

I researched how and where you can give birth anonymously to a baby and read a lot about baby hatches on the internet. I wanted to know what would happen to the baby if I put it in there. I wanted to be sure that it would be found and that it would be taken care of.

I kept the entire pregnancy a secret, wore baggy clothes and just kept going to work. I have never spoken to anyone about pregnancy and have never been to the gynecologist.

One day in February 2017, four weeks before the due date, I realized that I was losing amniotic fluid. I put my older children to bed and then went into labor. I took a warm shower, laid out clean towels and took out the diapers and rompers that I had secretly obtained. At 9 p.m. the contractions got worse, at 9:34 p.m. my son Mika was born. A few minutes later, his twin brother Luca followed. Yes, I gave birth to twins. It came as a surprise to me too.

Both babies were fine. I pulsed the umbilical cord, then pinched it off and cut it. I washed and dressed my sons, lay in bed with both of them, cuddled with them, looked at them, smelled them. Because I was so exhausted, I fell asleep.

When I woke up again, I wrote a letter. I wrote down what time they were born, what names I gave them, and why I can't raise these two babies. I wrapped the kids warm and took them to the baby hatch. I added the letter to it.

I can hardly remember the next few days. I developed a fever and repeatedly felt a guilty conscience. I pictured the two babies lying all alone somewhere, so that no one rocked them to sleep, no one cuddled with them, no one comforted them.

Three weeks after the birth, I called the clinic and was immediately put through to the responsible employee of the youth welfare office. We talked for a long time and met for coffee two days later. She told me that the alarm went off as soon as I put the babies down. That the two children were checked through immediately and that they are very healthy and well. She said that the nurses cuddled with them all the time and that they were very cute babies. In addition, there is already a couple who are ready to take in the children. You would have visited the boys in the hospital.

We talked for a long time about whether there might be a way for the babies to grow up with me. We agreed that we would meet again two days later and until then I would think again whether I really want to give the children up for adoption. When I went home I was very relieved. The babies were fine and they would grow up together.

Two days later I met the youth welfare officer again. I told her that I would consent to an adoption because I did not have the strength myself to enable these babies to have a good life. The youth welfare office employee never gave me a bad conscience. She took my guilty feelings away and said that the new family would take very good care of the boys.

We have met twice since then. She told me how the twins are doing and promised me that she would keep me up to date by email on a regular basis. I have no contact with the adoptive parents - should the twins later want to know who I am and why I couldn't raise them, I will be there to answer their questions.

It was all over two years ago. I have calmed down and know that it was the right decision. I am the mother of these boys and the most important thing for me was that they have a good life and parents who take good care of them. This wish has come true.