Non-binary Ryan is pregnant: 'If I have to declare the baby, I will be registered as a mother'

Family and friends are ecstatic, the reactions on social media are sometimes frightening. Ryan Ramharak (29), trans and non-binary, is pregnant with his partner David (31). “I hope the people after us are treated better.”

David initially had no desire to have children. "When I came out, I thought that having children would be complicated." He himself was adopted from Brazil. “I am very happy with my adoption and my parents, but I don't want to be a father that way. It can be very complicated not to know who your biological parents are. I had written off becoming a father for myself. I'll be a nice uncle, I always thought.”

Ryan went on testosterone for a long time, which gave him beard growth, a lower voice and an angular face, but kept the uterus

Everything changed when he met Ryan over three years ago, through Tinder. He had transitioned at the age of 23. Ryan: ,,My sister had her first child at a time when I had to think about my own fertility. In the hospital I held her baby – super special, of course. Then I found out that I did want children. I wanted to grow up, not a mother.”

Ryan went on testosterone for a long time, which gave him beard growth, a lower voice and an angular face, but kept the uterus. Which for David meant that he might still be able to become a father through a biological route. And Ryan also saw it, he temporarily stopped with hormones.

public apologies

Ryan Ramharak and David Paul Ramharak-Peters, a non-binary and a cis-man (someone whose gender identity matches their birth gender), are now married and living together in Hilversum. And a baby is on the way: Ryan is six months pregnant. The couple is supervised by a gynecologist at the Amsterdam UMC. Apparently they are still striking: desk employees regularly ask whether they are in the right department.

Figures are not available, but according to Ryan there are only 'a handful' of people in the Netherlands who are in the same boat. That is not very surprising, because until 2014 mandatory sterilization was laid down in the old Transgender Act in the Netherlands, whereby people who wanted to change the gender in their birth certificate had to undergo forced sterilization and gender reassignment. This has now been abolished – an 'expert statement' from a psychologist will suffice – and the cabinet publicly apologized last weekend for the law that 'caused an incredible amount of pain to transgender and intersex people.'

No leave

Ryan had few Dutch examples, but internationally there is a large community of trans parents. “In a Facebook group I saw pictures of a few pregnant trans non-binary people, but not a lot. I did get a bit of an image, but I have a Hindustani-Dutch background, so it all looks slightly different.”

When I give birth later and we are going to declare the baby, I will automatically be registered as a mother

Ryan

Legally things may be better now, but that doesn't mean that everything will go smoothly, David and Ryan know all too well by now. “The systems are not yet set up for it: our legal system, our family law, but also applying for things like maternity leave.”

Ryan was unable to request maternity leave at work, and a maternity package with the health insurer was unsuccessful at first. ,,Then you will receive an email with 'You are not allowed to request a maternity package for your partner'. You have to constantly make things difficult and explain everything. Wherever you register as a pregnant person, you only have the option as a mother, not as a parent. I hope that more thought will be given to better designing systems.”

Because that is what really bothers Ryan: ,,When I have given birth later and we declare the baby, I will automatically be registered as a mother. I just want to be able to choose to be registered as a parent, because I am not a mother.”

David and Ryan get very positive reactions from their own environment. ,,We have taken family and friends into our wish to have children and that I would carry a child. So the surprise was not very big when I was pregnant. They buy rompers and above all they are very sweet.”

The situation is different online and outside their social circle. Ryan: ,,If you've been in an article, you shouldn't read the reactions, because they are very negative." David: ,,Comments under a post on social media disappear, but if people go to a lot of effort to send you something nasty, it comes close. Sometimes someone addresses me with a funny question or comment, which I find very intense. In my own bubble I have also received cheeky questions from friends of friends. Questions like: how did you make this baby? But much more coarse. I was very shocked at the beginning.”

Ravi is mainly raised as a child, with lots of love and freedom to discover who she is

Ryan

Yet they continue to tell their story.

A documentary about their lives is currently being made by BNNVara, which will be screened next year. “I think it's important that people like us see that choosing family life is an option,” Ryan says. “I hope the people after us are treated better.”

Above all, the couple says they are very happy. David: ,,A belly is growing, we are happy, we feel and see the ultrasounds and we fantasize about what it will be like when our baby is here. In that respect, we are no different from others who have a child.”

rainbow mice

“A growing belly is of course very special,” Ryan says. ,,In the beginning I found it difficult, because you are thrown to death with pictures of pregnant women everywhere. It looks different when I look in the mirror and see myself.”

Ryan is due in early 2022. The nursery will have green walls, the baby will be called Ravi. Ryan: ,,Ravi is mainly raised as a child, with a lot of love and freedom to discover who he is.” No rusk with pink or blue mice at birth. ,,But rusk with fellow countrymen – rainbow mice. It will be very cheerful.”