Luc (29) went abroad to pursue his desire to have children: 'It must be possible in Canada'

Luc Nibbeling (29) and his partner Luuk started an adoption procedure in the US in 2018. Their dream fell apart when it was banned in 2021. Now they are in the middle of a surrogacy process in Canada.

Want to have children

“I have always wanted to have children. Coming out meant that I also had to acknowledge and accept that I would never become a father naturally. That's why it took me until I was nineteen before I dared to take the step. When I met Luuk shortly afterwards, I immediately discussed my desire to have children, which is unusual in the gay scene . Especially in the beginning, gay men are often concerned with accepting themselves, which causes any desire to have children to fade into the background.

Luuk thought the same; he also wanted to become a father. In 2017 we went to an information evening about LGBT parenting organized by the Meer Dan Gewenst Foundation for the first time and in 2018 we started the adoption process. You can choose to adopt in the Netherlands, but the supply of adopted children is not large here; Often the first search for these children is in their own environment. As a gay couple you can only choose from four countries: the Netherlands, US, South Africa and Portugal. We decided to go for the United States.

It was a big disappointment when we heard that international adoption was being suspended. Adopting from the US will probably be completely banned, because there are sufficient prospective parents in the US itself. We were disappointed and sad. What now? We gave ourselves a year to explore other options.

Co-parenting with a lesbian couple, for example, but we came to the conclusion that we would prefer to have a family together. Surrogacy then? This proved difficult in the Netherlands. You are not allowed to place a call, so it is actually only possible if you find a woman in your own area. We were 26 at the time and didn't know any women who were open to this. And in the Netherlands, mediation agencies are prohibited by law.

Surrogacy in Canada

“Then I thought: how is it actually arranged in other countries? We found out that surrogacy in Canada is voluntary, just like in the Netherlands. In many other countries women get paid for it, which didn't give us a good feeling. Surrogacy is also regulated by law in Canada, which is not (yet) the case in the Netherlands, and therefore all parties are well protected. This way we are already the father of the child before the birth.

In the Netherlands we would not be officially recognized as parents for the first year. A long legal story. Because Canada has high-tech surrogacy – which means that the surrogate mother becomes pregnant through egg donation and is therefore not the biological mother – it is rare that the surrogate mother does not want to give up the child. We went for it through a mediation agency. We found an egg donor and several eggs were fertilized: half with Luuk's sperm cells and the other half with mine.

Finding a surrogate mother will take another 18 to 24 months, so by the time we find someone, Luuk and I will play a game of Risk to see which embryo we will have transferred. Just kidding of course! It is our greatest wish to have at least two children: one from me and one from Luuk. Although I knew in advance that it would be a long process, it is becoming increasingly difficult for me. Especially the fact that you are dependent on others. But we have high hopes. In the Netherlands the chance of having a child is very small, but in Canada it must be possible.”