Search for recognition
Yeny was 3.5 years old when she was adopted from Colombia. Together with her older, biological sister and adoptive parents, she left for the Netherlands, on her way to her new life. There are a lot of assumptions and prejudices surrounding the subject of adoption, while every adopted child has a different story and experiences different emotions. Yeny talks openly about her search for her biological family, the difficulties she encountered in the Netherlands, but also how she now stands as a 38-year-old woman.
Yeny's mother became pregnant at a young age and as a result Yeny and her sister were largely cared for by their grandmother. After a few years she indicated that she could no longer provide care. Through the agency Wereldkinderen, Yeny's adoptive parents received a photo of her and her sister. In 1987 they met the two girls and after staying together for another week in Colombia, the four of them flew to the Netherlands.
From a young age, Yeny has been very concerned with her adoption. Despite the fact that she experienced her childhood as pleasant, she was already occupied with certain things that her peers did not experience at an early age and she did not feel completely at home in Dutch culture. When she was about ten years old, she developed many questions and experienced a form of loss. “Being sad and missing someone you don't really know, that is very strange and difficult to deal with. Fortunately, I was able to talk about this well with my mother in the Netherlands.” One way for Yeny to deal with these feelings was to write a letter. She addressed the letter to herself as if she were her biological mother. A way to reassure and comfort herself. “In the letter I wrote that it was not my fault and that she was simply too young to raise us.”
Yeny and her sister.
The fact that Yeny was adopted together with her biological sister is quite exceptional. In the Netherlands, 11.3% of adopted children from abroad are adopted at the same time as a biological brother or sister (source: CBS). Yeny has never known any better, but she does see it as a support that they were adopted together. She thinks that she would have felt much lonelier otherwise. “I have been asked several times whether I am grateful that I was adopted. I find this an annoying question, which despite the unconsciousness still entails many assumptions. But what I am really grateful for is that I came to the Netherlands together with my sister.”
Click here for the interactive graph.
A fond memory from Yeny's childhood is celebrating her adoption day. An initiative of her parents, where on October 1st they celebrated that Yeny and her sister had been in the Netherlands for so many years. This usually took place at their home and they were allowed to invite friends. "I have no idea if my friends actually understood what was being celebrated, this was of course not done at their home. But these beautiful moments really stuck with me."
The feeling of loss remained and around the age of fifteen, Yeny told her parents that she wanted to look for her biological family. Her parents thought that was a bit early and her sister also did not feel the need for this. Yeny was certain that if she was going to look, she wanted to do it together with her sister. Eventually, she was seventeen when she wrote a letter to Spoorloos. Her sister agreed because she wanted to do this for Yeny. There is a file about the adoption that contains some information about their biological family. This file came from the mediation agency and you can also search for your roots through them. “I chose to let the search for my family go through Spoorloos, because I thought this was the safest option. I didn't know where to start myself.” In the end, Yeny waited three years for the call from Spoorloos. “At seventeen, I may not have been completely ready for it, so when the recordings started when I was twenty, I thought that was fine.”
Click here for the interactive graph.
The reason Yeny wanted to find her biological family was very clear. She had a strong need to know who she resembles in character and appearance. She was curious about who her parents and family are and what culture she comes from. “I was looking for recognition, because that was something I really missed. That is of course a big part of your identity, your basis. And if you don’t know that, then you don’t know a part of yourself either.”
https://soundcloud.com/nikki-556510104/colombiaanse-roots?si=779150a7bb734655a564e655c22c6d82&utm_source=clipboard&utm_medium=text&utm_campaign=social_sharing
Through her participation in Spoorloos, Yeny found her biological family. Her file already stated that her father was no longer alive and little was known about her mother. The information that Yeny subsequently heard about her mother was difficult to process. Her mother disappeared and has not been found to this day. Although this is incredibly difficult for Yeny, she does have photos of her mother for which she is very grateful. She also found her mother's brothers and sisters. For example, they told her that her biological parents were very much in love with each other, but they did not have much information about her father either.
Not knowing whether or not your mother is still alive is difficult and unimaginable for many people. Yeny has had to learn to live with this uncertainty. “The search for my roots can be compared to puzzle pieces, and there are simply many missing pieces. So that puzzle is never finished, not even now. But the puzzle is more complete because of the search.” Yeny feels that she has found a way to deal with the ignorance. “You have to accept that this is it. Sometimes I get emotional or it overwhelms me, it is not something you can really put into perspective. It feels more like I have come to terms with it.”
For Spoorloos, their mother's youngest sister came to the Netherlands. A few months later, Yeny and her sister went back to Colombia together for the first time. There, they met the rest of the family and were welcomed with open arms. Yeny has already been to Colombia three times and she will be going there again with her sister for two weeks this fall.
“The family really feels like coming home.”
Yeny has found the recognition she was looking for. For example, she sees her own external characteristics in her family members, such as the nose and some moles. And she also saw certain character traits, such as humor, coming back. Everything went very naturally, and that was very special for Yeny after all those years. "The family really feels like coming home." But having family at a distance does bring some dilemmas. "There are new situations and challenges to deal with. Because I don't live there, it doesn't feel like I'm 100% part of the family and the culture. I'm very happy that I found my family, but it also makes it complicated sometimes."
Click here for the interactive graph.
In 2020, Yeny and Desiree, a good friend of hers, decided to start a podcast about adoption. Yeny and Desiree met on a forum for adoptees, shortly after Yeny found her biological family. “I was looking for someone who experienced the same emotions as I did, someone I could talk to about my pain and loss. Desiree also happened to be from Colombia and this led to a very valuable friendship.” A year ago, the first season of the podcast 'La Vida' went online in which the two ladies tell their own story, in the hope that other adoptees can recognize themselves in it. This means you are actually listening to an intimate conversation between two friends. “The podcast has brought me closer to my own feelings and I have also discovered more about myself.”
Yeny said that she used to experience a form of loss because she did not know her biological family. She no longer has that feeling after finding her family members, which has filled that void. She does describe a dilemma, which she calls 'being between two worlds'. This also inspired her to name her own practice; 'Between 2 Worlds'. After the podcast, Yeny decided to start as an adoption coach. Through reactions to the podcast, she discovered that there was a need for specific assistance focused on adoption. "Being adopted is part of you, but for some it weighs so heavily that it limits them in many things. I hope that I can offer those people something in this and help them find a way. I have succeeded in doing that myself," says Yeny.
Yeny now lives in Pernis with her boyfriend and children. She can appreciate Dutch culture more than before. From her boyfriend, who is Dutch, she learned that it matters that you feel good with the people around you and that this connection actually has nothing to do with skin color or culture.
“Being adopted and living with it remains a lifelong process. In which you can also experience different feelings in different phases of your life. At this moment in my life I have no concrete questions about my origins, but I do have the wish to go to Colombia for a longer period than two weeks in the future. For me, that is a way to discover more of the culture and also of myself.”
Data accountability
For this article I used selected data that I found. My largest source was the CBS. At the beginning of February 2021, the CBS published a study that focused entirely on intercountry adopted adults in the Netherlands. 3,500 people participated in this study. These participants were approached randomly. “This is essential to be able to draw a representative sample. For example, if people (can) register themselves for a study, there is a chance that a distorted picture will emerge.”
From this publication I have critically selected a number of datasets and chosen to discuss them for this article. For this I have made adjustments myself and added my own composed graphs to the article. Because of the personal story of one source, it was most appropriate to look for data that matches the content of the story. I have chosen to show all figures in percentages, so that you can best compare Yeny's story with that of other adoptees. The graphs are therefore clear and well-arranged at a glance. In addition, the same color pattern is reflected in the graphs, so that it comes across as a calm whole to the reader.
It was a conscious choice to use a lot of data that addresses the emotion. That was also the approach of my article, so this type of information is discussed the most. I thought it would be interesting to make that comparison with the bigger picture, namely; how is this with the rest of the adoptees? For example, it turned out to be quite exceptional that Yeny was adopted together with her biological sister. This only occurs with about 11.3% of other adopted children. This type of information strengthens the story and also gives the reader a better picture of certain situations.
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