Sam never wants to fill in the wrong date of birth again: 'It's a lie'

In this weekly column, people talk about something they 'never want to' experience again, never want to do or never want to do again. This week: Sam van den Haak (40) was born in Sri Lanka and adopted as a toddler by a Dutch couple. She later found out that her adoption had been fraudulently committed. For example, the date of birth on her passport appears to be incorrect, something she is often confronted with.

"In my adoption file there is not a single signature for approval. Not from my biological mother, and not from the Dutch or Sri Lankan government. I often wondered to what extent there was permission to take me with me. And yet I was picked up my adoptive parents in Colombo and took them to their home in Hoorn.

According to my passport I was three years old then, but in fact I was six months younger. I only remember fragments of that time. I remember having to learn to eat with cutlery. In Sri Lanka I was used to making a ball of the food with my hand and then eating it. The Netherlands must have been a big culture shock for me."

"My adoption was never a secret at home. That makes sense, because of course I had a different skin color than my parents and three brothers. It was a complex family, because two of my brothers were disabled and needed a lot of care. A lot of attention was paid to my background I didn't know anything about Sri Lanka, it wasn't talked about much and we never went there as a family again.

It wasn't warm or cozy at home, and I didn't feel like I belonged in the family. I was different, even at school. Because although we lived in a big house and there was a lot of money, I wore old clothes of my brothers. I was bullied for that, I was met by other children and beaten up. I was not safe anywhere: not at school, but also not at home. That's because I was abused by my adoptive father from a young age. As a child I sought safety by crawling into bed with my parents. As soon as my adoptive mother got out of bed, my adoptive father sat on me. The secret of that abuse weighed more heavily on me then than my adoption. I was trying to survive."

"I was evicted from the house when I was seventeen. The situation at home was untenable, I had huge fights with my adoptive father. I threw myself into my study orthopedagogy out of a need to prove. My adoptive father always said I was stupid, so I thought it was very important to get degrees and be self-employed. Only then did I have the space to look for my biological family. I wanted to know who I was and where I came from. There were puzzle pieces missing and I finally wanted to know what my background was. "

Only birth name is correct

"I had come into contact with Siri Silva, a Sri Lankan who helps adopted people to find their families. I gave him my adoption papers which he took to Sri Lanka to look for me. In January 2005 I had graduated and I left for Sri Lanka for six months.The mother of a good friend of mine accompanied me during the first weeks of the trip.I did volunteer work as a remedial educationalist in an orphanage and wanted to use those months to find my family.

Immediately upon arrival in Sri Lanka I heard from Siri that all the data in my adoption file had been falsified – only my birth name was correct. The only trace we had was a piece of paper with an address that my birth mother had given to my adoptive mother. I gave it to Siri, who, in amazement, said he lived around the corner. We drove around the village that afternoon, but couldn't find my mother."

"The next morning I heard from my travel companion that Siri had now found more information. It turned out that my biological mother had already died. So my search came too late. I burst into tears. When I had calmed down, I heard that there was other relatives were found who wanted to see me: my farmer, sister, grandmother and an aunt Siri warned me to be critical: everyone would want something from me, because I was the 'rich Western' When I went to my family was brought and stood in front of their house with the whole village watching, so I was waiting."

Shame on the family

"My brother looked at me suspiciously and took my hand, which he examined closely, until he found what he was looking for: a scar on my finger. 'Nangi', he said, in other words: sister. Apparently I got that scar when I gave him a hand. once helped cut bamboo. His reaction took away all my doubts. My brother was also critical of me, he was not satisfied with 'just' a Western sister as a walking wallet. He was all about me, because he used to had taken care of me a lot too, it had been very traumatic for him that I was suddenly gone.

Seeing my grandmother again was also special. She told me more about my adoption: that I was an illegitimate child and therefore a 'disgrace' to the family, because in Sri Lanka everything revolves around your reputation. And from her I heard my real date of birth: December 17, 1981 instead of July 4, 1981. I still have no idea why exactly that date was cheated."

"Since then I have only celebrated my birthday on both days. I didn't really think about it until the Zembla program reported about adoption fraud two years ago and Dilani Butink - also from Sri Lanka - held the state liable for the mistakes surrounding her adoption. Perhaps crazy, but only then did I realize that it is not right for me either. My adoption was also mediated by the same shadowy adoption agency as with Dilani. And in my adoption file alone there are three different dates of birth of me, of which not one is correct or in my passport It rattles on all sides.

Together with fourteen other adoptees, I am involved in a lawsuit against the Dutch state, which allowed these practices – even after there were signals that something was wrong. We want the state to take full responsibility for the fraudulent practices. And what I would like most is that I can have my real date of birth put in my passport. At the expense of the state, because it is an expensive procedure. Besides, I don't think I'm responsible for that."

"The correct date of birth in my passport would make me very happy. Then I never have to enter a date that is not mine again. I was not born on July 4, and yet I have to fill it in everywhere. At least a few times a month Consider what you need your date of birth for: when booking airline tickets, when you register for a newsletter, when you order something from a webshop and so on.

Or recently with the insurance company, when I had storm damage to my fence. That is very bad, I am always confronted with something that I am not. That date is a lie that I didn't choose myself. Officially recording the correct date means a piece of identity for me. Then I would finally be myself."

Nowhere really home

"I broke up with my adoptive family, but I do have contact with my biological family, just like with Siri, whom I consider family. I don't really feel at home anywhere: not in Sri Lanka, but also not in the Netherlands. Yet I am happy here I have a beautiful son, dear friend and wonderful friends.

I am currently writing a book about my life: 'Not Born on My Birthday'. And I am a successful entrepreneur: with my pub quiz company I organize team outings and team building events. It's all about connecting people with each other, that's what drives me because I was afraid to get attached to people for so long. Despite my troubled past, I am a blessed person, I see myself as a success story. You can become anything you want and most of all yourself, that's my belief."

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