Afscheid niet hartverscheurend of naar - Goodbye not heartbreaking or to
Our oldest son, Samuel (10), was five weeks old when we picked him up from Chicago. Last summer we went back to his hometown for the first time. Very exciting, how would it go? There was a meeting with his birth mother and a goodbye. It went well, it turned out to be a dream trip.
More than ten years ago, we were preparing for an open adoption, where we would keep in touch with the biological mother of our child. Every year we sent photos and letters to Samuel's birth mother in the US. No response, unfortunately. When we asked about it, Samuel replied that he would like to meet her.
We have told Samuel from infancy that he was born of different parents, and that through adoption he became our child forever. Samuel is brown. My husband, our two youngest children and I are light pink-beige. People often ask, “Are those your kids?” “Yes”, I smile pityingly. “All three?” “Yes, all three.”
We tried to teach Samuel about African-American culture, but we didn't know his birth mother. In the summer of 2010 we found her on Facebook. We asked through the adoption agency if she wanted to contact us. She replied, "I think about you daily, I love you, I will think about it, thank you, you are a blessing in disguise . " After a few months, Samuel said disappointed: "She must think very long."
Many thought it was not a good idea to aim for a meeting. We ourselves doubted. What if she would say thank you for being in touch? What if we found her unkind or if she was in very bad shape, for example because of drugs, prostitution or violence? What if she unintentionally or intentionally incited Samuel against us?
Richard Pearlman, director of our adoption agency, Adoption Center of Illinois at Family Resource Center, encouraged us. We think highly of him, he has over thirty years of experience with this. And most importantly: Samuel wanted to meet his birth mother. We felt that as an inalienable right. We wanted to do that before puberty, together with him.
Birthday gift
So early last year, at our request, the adoption agency announced to Samuel's birth mother that we were coming to Chicago. Her answer: “What do they want?” And later another one-line email: “Okay, let's meet.” After that, nothing more. It was spring. The day of departure was approaching, we did not have a concrete appointment. But we would go. Since we bought tickets, Samuel flew a folded airplane daily through the living room to Chicago. While he didn't even know we wanted to arrange a meeting. Visiting his hometown would be worth it anyway, we reasoned.
Once they arrived in Chicago, the party started. The fire siren, the local supermarket, the subway on elevated rails, Samuel loved everything. The director of the adoption agency called his birth mother and we heard her voice! She suggested to meet two days later. "But that day is your birthday," said Richard, to which she replied: "This meeting is the best birthday present I could wish for."
On the agreed day, the director will take us there. Nerves race through my throat. To our left Lake Michigan, to the right the Chicago skyline. The sun is shining in the park where we have agreed. We're eight minutes early. Out of the corner of my eye I see Richard calling. A woman with huge sunglasses on her head walks up to him. “Samuel, come, that must be her”, I say and we walk towards her. She takes off her glasses, rubs her eyes and says, “ Sorry, I'm so nervous! May I hug you ?” We translate, Samuel nods. And then she almost squeezes him. “You have my eyes, my scent and Grandma's hair. It's you."
We walk to a restaurant a little further away. As we sit, she says, "Look at us sitting like family, because we're family now, aren't we?" The ice is broken. I feel she means it, I can kiss her.
"I think alot about you. I miss you terribly,” she says. “Just after you were born, I cradled you for hours. I knew what was coming, I was very sad about it, but I couldn't take care of you." Her voice trembles. At the time, things were not going well for her. She had lost her husband and her job and was living in a shelter with four children. In short, she couldn't feed him. "That's why before you were born I had already made the most difficult decision I ever made, but it was also the best decision I could make." Wilfred, my husband, translates, but he doesn't keep it dry either. All adults cry. Samuel sits between us and looks around the circle.
Peace
She tells it in great detail and she repeats it three times, but she also radiates it: this is what she wants for Samuel. She could also have opted for foster care, but she did not want the state to take care of her child (temporarily). She wanted him to be part of a family, forever. This is exactly what we'd like to hear: She's at peace with Samuel's adoption, and even the pain that comes with it.
The discharge is enormous. We want to know everything about each other. She: that he learns to play the trumpet, that grandparents also look after him. That sounds like music to her ears. She now has a dear friend, a house and a certified job. She is doing well, although she has a hard life in a poor neighborhood where criminals make the streets unsafe.
Excited, satisfied and tired we leave. We go to Richard who cooked for us. He addresses Samuel; he hopes that meeting his birth mother will bring him peace. Samuel nods. Later that week we meet her again, again in the park. Samuel plays by a fountain while we talk. That's what Samuel wants. And she too. He yells: “Mama, look how the water is splashing!”, while he looks at me. “Nice”, I call back and then I look at his other mother. "Isn't it bad for you if he calls me mama?" I ask her. “No”, she says firmly, “I'm just happy about it”. They take another photo together and then say goodbye. With sweet attention to each other, but not heartbreaking, tragic or unpleasant.
This trip could not have gone better. His birth mother says she feels much lighter. Since then, Samuel has also been feeling better. He is less angry or cross, talks more easily about his feelings. The explicit consent of his birth mother is priceless to me too – it has grown my self-confidence as a mother.
In the United States, the birth mother has a large say in choosing adoptive parents for the child. She makes her choice based on photos and a family report. As an adoptive family you are obliged to send an e-mail or letter every year. In practice, many adoptive parents in the Netherlands maintain good, personal contacts with the biological family more frequently. This varies from telephone calls and skyping to annual meetings. Most American adopted children are adopted as (newborn) babies. Many have a fraught background, for example due to drug and alcohol use during pregnancy, and/or psychological disorders in parents.