Friends Annick, An Sheela and Sheela are all adopted

Friends Annick (37), An Sheela (42) and Sheela (41) lead different lives, but have one thing in common: all three are adopted from India. and they know what you struggle with if you don't know exactly where you come from. “Adoption is not always a fairy tale.”

Recognition and recognition

“Recognition and recognition. That's what I find with An Sheela and Sheela and all those other adopted kids from our Facebook community. For example, if I say, "I don't know exactly who I am," they know exactly what I mean. It is something that binds us. What do you run into if you don't know who your biological parents are? How does it feel when the start of your life is unclear and what you know about it may be based on lies? What are you struggling with then? They are things we discuss when we see each other on meeting days.” Annick is speaking. In 2008 she was only fifteen when she wanted to meet other adopted children. Together with her mother, she founded the Facebook group Adoptie Schakel, for children and their parents adopted from India. Initially a friendly group that exchanged messages and saw each other now and then, years later it became a more serious community. On which members post messages and photos, but which also organizes and undertakes all kinds of things.

The club got more and more members, from the Netherlands and Belgium. At a certain point, Annick was no longer able to manage everything on her own. In 2017 she asked An Sheela to help, a year later also Sheela. The three of them try to take the Facebook group to an even higher level. Together they organize meeting days and information evenings about DNA tests, for example. The three also fight against illegal adoption in their home country of Belgium. Despite their adoption stories being completely different, the trio feels connected to each other and to the members of their community.

Annick: “In the fourteen years that I have been working on this, the adopted children from then have grown up. Many have started families or have now made a roots trip to India. Sometimes they find what they are looking for, but often it is impossible. India is a huge country and the government discourages adopted children from looking for their biological parents. It's simply not done. The moral is: let the past rest.”

terminally ill

”I was four and a half years old when I came here from India. I had a fantastic childhood, I was able to study and I was given all kinds of opportunities to develop myself. But I also wondered where I came from, who my parents were. My mother's name was known, I knew nothing about my father. About five years ago I had my DNA registered with an international DNA bank. I was lucky enough to find a brother and an uncle that way. Through them I found out that my father was still alive. I was pregnant with my son at the time, he is now almost four years old.

My father turned out to be terminally ill, he suffered from a muscle disease. If I still wanted to see him, I had to hurry. I traveled to India and looked him up. He had a baby picture of me in his wallet, all crumpled up, but still. That little detail touched me: to me this was a sign that I belonged to him. I also recognized a bit of myself in him. My father was emotional, he felt guilty about how things have turned out in the past. He couldn't take care of me. On the other hand, he was also sober: things go the way they go and you can't change the past. He didn't want to talk about my biological mother.

Meeting my father was nice. Thirty years of searching for someone and seeing him just before his death is a gift. He was able to answer many of my questions, although the reunion also raised new questions. Is the muscle disease he suffered from hereditary? How was the relationship between him and my mother? Especially the latter is guesswork. But I can't complain. I realize very well that I know more than most of us. An Sheela and Sheela, for example, neither have any concrete leads regarding their biological parents.”

Special experience

An Sheela: “That's right. You are lucky. But you know, your story stimulates me again to become more active in my search for more answers. Before that I was in India in April. I've always been told I'm from Calcutta. But from the brief information I received from India itself, it appears that I come from a completely different region. The only concrete things I have about my biological parents are my mother's name and the date she gave me up. She was young and unmarried and therefore could not take care of me, the papers say. I think: is that information correct? You just start having doubts when first one thing and then another is told. I suspect serious mistakes were made during my adoption.

The last time I was in India I searched for my family, but that's like looking for a needle in a haystack. This trip was special to me because it was an out of the box roots trip. I lived with locals to experience everyday life. I immersed myself in the environment and in the different religions. That did bring me something. I felt good there, like coming home. My senses were wide open: delicious, those Asian scents and bright colors. And to top it off, I recognized a place from one of my recurring dreams. That was a special experience. The taste in my mouth changed, as if my body was sending a signal: you've been here before. I had a wonderful meeting in the orphanage, a woman recognized me. As a teenager she had often bottled me and walked around with me, she said. I believe her, she had something familiar. Events like this soften the loss of my biological parents a bit.”

Six hands on one belly

Sheela: “I can imagine anything with that. Unfortunately for me it's a bit more complicated. The first line of my adoption file reads: father and mother unknown. It is always difficult to read that. According to the file, I was abandoned. Left by someone. I don't know anything else. Very painful. An important puzzle piece is missing. Not a side, but something in the middle so you can't see the whole. I struggled with that for a long time, especially as a teenager and young adult. Today it is better. I'm happy with myself, despite that false start in life.

In fact, I wasn't so concerned with my adoption and roots anymore. Until Annick asked me if I would like to help her with the Facebook group and the activities she organizes. The nice thing about Annick is that she makes contacts and brings people together in a very spontaneous, disarming way. I thought about it for a few days and then got in with no expectations. I had no intention of delving deep into my adoptive past. And look at me now. I thoroughly examined my adoption file again and attended workshops to get a better grip on the matter. I've also delved into what adoption does to a person, wondering what it has done to me. I'm even going to college in September, because I want to make a professional difference to people who are struggling through their adoption history. An Sheela and Annick are also working on that. We share a special friendship. We are six hands on one stomach. We are in contact almost daily, sometimes live, but often just as quickly via WhatsApp. We have a tacit contract that we can always turn to each other for anything. For a futility, but also for serious things. And the good thing is: because there are three of us, someone always answers.”

Shared smart

Annick: “We don't have to talk or discuss endlessly, we usually understand each other without words. Our stories and our lives are completely different, but we share the fact that we were born in India. This ensures a very close contact. We often know exactly when to leave someone alone or to be there extra for them.”

An Sheela: “I lost my best friend at the beginning of this year. She died much too young. That's tough for everyone. But Annick and Sheela know that such a loss hits an adoptee extra hard, precisely because we had to deal with the loss of our biological parents at a young age. You relive the trauma. And you feel an emptiness inside: who am I without the other? My friends understand that.” Annick: “Shared sorrow is half sorrow, it really works that way. When I'm having a bad day, I share it with An Sheela and Sheela. But also the nice things: I recently got married. A fantastic day, which they could not miss.”

Illegal adoptions

Sheela: “Due to circumstances, I no longer have contact with my adoptive parents. Maybe that's why I see Annick and An Sheela as my chosen family. They are like sisters to me. Together we do everything we can to fight against illegal adoption from India to Belgium, where we live. A resolution was recently adopted unanimously in the Belgian parliament. In short, it acknowledged that a lot has gone wrong with adoptions in the past and that there were illegal adoptions. That was an emotional jubilant moment for all three of us: an official confirmation that adoption is not always a fairy tale. Finally."

An Sheela: “That statement also ensures that we can, for example, change our name without lengthy procedures. My name was only An at first, very western. But that name doesn't quite reflect who I am. So it has now become An Sheela, a mix of my Belgian and Indian heritage. Integrating my Indian name makes me more complete.”

Sheela: “I hope that one day this statement will also bring more peace of mind. All three of us have been very angry with everything and everyone. Adoption agencies, the country of origin, the government… So many mistakes have been made. But staying angry doesn't help. Bitterness does not help us any further. Instead, we should listen to the stories of all parties involved in our adoptions. Who knows, maybe we'll find even more answers. We also have to look ahead.”

India close by

Annick: “Agreed. I do see a bright future. The three of us have a strong bond. One for life. Since my trip to India I have had a lot of contact with my uncle. He regularly goes to an internet cafe to chat. He told me that he tried to take me in after I was born, but because I needed a lot of expensive medicines because of asthma, he had to give me up with pain in his heart. My mother, who was only eighteen years old at the time, thought it was a temporary solution. She looked for me in several orphanages, but it was too late, I had already left for another country. My mother has never been able to handle this well. In the end she committed suicide. All very sad. Through the stories my uncle tells me, I get to know my family a little better. What is certain is that India has become an even bigger part of my life as a result. I love my homeland, its people and the food and have really fallen in love with the colorful Indian fashion, for example. Do you know what my big dream is? Start a shop here in Indian clothing. Maybe with my uncle's help. This is how I bring a little bit of India here.”

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Knowing more?

Adoptie Schakel is a private Facebook group for adopted children from India. Most members come from the Netherlands and Belgium. Since August 1, Adoptie Schakel has been renamed Adoptie Schakel Connect. The name better reflects the fact that the group continues to seek the connection between the various parties involved in adoption.

Text: Jolanda Hofland

Photo: Ruud Hoornstra

Make-up: Lisette Verhoofstad

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