Lara Mallo about her adoption: "I was convinced that people I love would leave me"

Since a few months you can again adopt a child from abroad in the Netherlands. That child will have a promising life here, but what does the adoption actually do to someone's identity? We ask influencer Lara Mallo (34), she was adopted as a baby from Brazil and made the YouTube series Looking for Lara in which she goes in search of where she comes from. “I couldn't find inner peace.”

At the age of one, Lara Mallo (34) from São Paulo was adopted by a Dutch family. She grew up in Het Gooi, where she was bullied as a child because she looked different from her classmates. Although she has actively searched for her biological parents, it has yielded little to this day.

Hey Lara, thank you for sharing your story. When did you find out you were adopted?

“I never really realized I was a different color because I always felt white. Just like my adoptive parents. But at the age of four, classmates already showed that they thought I was 'dirty' because I have a different skin color than them. As a child I didn't understand that. I thought: why am I brown and my parents are white? Then my parents explained to me that they adopted me because my biological parents could not take care of me. They said it honestly and directly, without making a fuss.”

What was it like growing up in your adoptive family?

“I didn't see anyone who looked like me, which made me feel very lonely. That's why I denied the question 'Where are you from?' always: I'm just Dutch. Nor did I identify with anyone who is Brazilian or of color. At the same time, I couldn't compare myself to my family. For example, I always felt that I wanted to be a singer, but my parents didn't fully understand that. That is simply in my blood, and as a child I already felt very strongly that I wanted to do something with it.

My parents raised me completely as their own child, which made me very far removed from my biological parents and my roots. That made me think I was really their child, and that's very twisted for your identity. I regret that my parents did not introduce me to my roots at a young age. That's a loss. My mother speaks six languages, including Portuguese, and I wish she had given me the language to form a bridge.”

You get that feeling of being disconnected as a baby

How has your adoption affected your life?

“I used to not care about it at all. I didn't see it as a big issue, while in hindsight it did have an impact on me. I was constantly looking for something, I could not find inner peace. I felt a permanent void and that is something many adopted children have. It is also called the 'no bottom syndrome' (an attachment disorder, ed.).

That feeling of being disconnected arises during your first three years of life. Those are the years when love and security are stored in your system. Every time you are not comforted or cared for, you subconsciously learn: I have to do it all by myself. I can't lean on anyone. And the older you get, the more visible that becomes. Of all the adopted people I know, two turned out well. The rest has many issues. You can put a child in a nice, safe and rich environment, but that urge to survive remains.”

How did that survival instinct manifest itself in you? And how did you deal with that?

“I felt that as a child, especially when my parents got divorced when I was nine years old. The cracks of my adoption became visible then, because the divorce felt like a kind of double abandonment. My survival mode turned on and everything you used to learn as a child comes up. Fortunately, I got a sweet stepfather, which brought that security back. But I always had the feeling that my parents didn't pay enough attention to me. In high school I was bullied and as a coping mechanism I became very brutal. I had a big mouth and didn't take criticism well. I was fully in that survival mode, with thoughts like: I'm alone and I'll always be alone and People who love me will leave at some point. Because I was given up as a child, that belief was deeply stored.

When I started to stand on my own two feet as a young adult and life became more and more serious, I got really upset. I could no longer focus on my studies and fell into a kind of chaos. Relationships didn't work out because I always chose men I wasn't in love with because it felt safer. I decided to seek help and entered therapy when I was twenty-one years old. I really needed it because I wanted to work on my future and through the shit. It was a very intense process because all the emotions came up. After a while it felt like the noise had disappeared. I got closer and closer to myself.”

In 2017, you launched the video series ' Looking for Lara ' on your YouTube channel, which is about your adoption and search for your roots . Where did that drive come from?

“In that period I participated in The Voice of Holland . Being on the podium gave me so much power. That made me feel that I wanted to share my story with the platform I had built up then. I really wanted to capture something. I am visually oriented and I am already busy with content creation in my work . I wanted to use that lonely feeling that was so deep inside me to tell my story. It felt like a calling because it has been a loss for me and I feel like I have to involve people in that. Once I am healed and have found my answers, I will probably be able to help other people as well. Then I can really say what helped me. That's how it felt.”

At the end of 2021, it was announced that the adoption of foreign children will resume, but only from six selected countries. Brazil, the country you were adopted from, is not listed. According to the cabinet, countries where children can also be well cared for in their own country will be dropped. How do you view intercountry adoption?

“??There is not enough attention for the psychological and emotional impact of being adopted. After everything I've felt and experienced, I know how important it is to be able to identify with your parents and to know your roots.

It felt like I had found the right puzzle piece

I went to Brazil for the first time when I was seventeen, together with my adoptive father. We first traveled together for three weeks and discovered the country and then I started volunteering in an orphanage. I instantly felt a connection, something I had never felt anywhere else. I loved seeing the culture up close. It was one big party. The hospitality, the food, the dancing, the capoeira music. In the Netherlands it just feels a bit colder, not only in temperature, but also in culture. When I was in Brazil, I felt like I had found the right puzzle piece that belongs to me.

I always thought I had stayed with my biological mother for nine months. After I later received documents, it turned out that I ended up in an orphanage after only three months. Even what is in those documents is not entirely correct. In the 1980s, corruption in Brazil led to a lot of cheating on adoptions, resulting in the kidnapping of many children. Parents were simply persuaded to sell their children because of poverty. So there's a little bit of guilt there that made them really want to help me with those documents because there were so many mistakes."

Adoption stop

> In 2021, intercountry adoption in the Netherlands was completely halted after a critical report about abuses in the adoption system.

> The investigation revealed that there was not enough supervision of adoption procedures and that there was evidence of forgery of documents, child trafficking, fraud and corruption. Many children have been victims of this. These kinds of abuses have been known since the 1960s. The then Minister of Legal Protection, Sander Dekker, then decided to stop the adoption completely, because it could not be ruled out that such abuses also occur in the current system.

> At the end of 2022, it was announced that the adoption of children from abroad will be possible again, but only from six selected countries. Countries where abandoned children can also be well taken care of in their own country are not eligible.

Last but not least: what would you like to pass on to other women who have also been adopted?

“As soon as you notice that you feel lonely: get help! That is one of the most important pieces of advice, because in the end you will come closer to yourself by sharing your story. By asking questions and being honest with yourself. When you feel lonely, when you don't quite understand where you're going, where you come from. At some point you get to the core of your real problem and of your own needs. Take your time, seek help and surround yourself with like-minded people. Try to find people who are also adopted, maybe someone close to you. Talk to people who are also adopted and share the same roots. Find a way to connect with your roots if it feels right. And if you want to find your biological family, make sure you have a stable base to fall back on. Because it can become an emotional rollercoaster.”

Written by: Ilham Oukhiar

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